WW3
by FullmetalxWriter
Summary: It was bound to happen. Edward had heard stories, but he never imagined war would be as bad as people say. He will now learn the truth for himself.. the hard way. Parental Roy and Ed.
1. Recruitment

I could still remember the pained look on my brother's face, almost like he had been betrayed. I had tried to keep it a secret from him for a few days now, but he had eventually found out when I wasn't there that morning to greet him in the kitchen like I always did.

I had found out about the recruitment late on a Sunday night. Things passed by like normal with my little brother out doing the dishes and I had been curled up on the couch with a science fiction novel. Something about someone taking a balloon to space. I didn't get all that into it until the phone rang, which turned out to be my superior officer in the military, Roy Mustang.

It was odd at first. He never called me and I knew something was wrong when he told me to make sure I was alone during the call. He told me about the Western borders of Amestris, about how Creta had issued an attack on that side because of accidental firing on our part. The two countries were supposed to have a piece treaty, but apparently that had been shattered in a matter of seconds. It was Roy who had to tell me the bad news. My first thought was that it was just a bad joke, maybe he would laugh and say "I just wanted to see how you'd react.", but no such thing happened.

Several of the Eastern sector unit were getting a transfer to the Western sector to help with the war. I was one of them. I can't even remember half of the arguments I spat at Roy, but my mind was in a panic.

There I was being perfectly happy finally living a normal life again, body whole and a flesh and blood brother, and there came Mustang ready to fuck it all up. I didn't even have alchemy anymore. How was he expecting me to even defend myself? That had probably been one of my arguments.

All he did was give me snide remarks and end the conversation by threatening me to be at Eastern Command for the departure or he'd shoot me himself. He musn't have been in a very good mood. Then again, he's never in a good mood. Smug bastard.

I did what I was told and met him a few days later, managing to sneak out early, avoiding Alphonse finding out. A train was waiting for all the soldier and I could spot a few people I knew already aboard, staring into space. No one was trilled with this. Mustang was waiting in his office, a plastic bag on his desk along with a case of... something. He never said anything, he only handed me the bag and threw the black case into my arms, storming out of the building. What was the point of that? I followed him however.

He glanced over his shoulder when he arrived at the train, making sure I was still there and hadn't bail. Although I would have liked to.

That's when Alphonse had come running towards the train. I had probably overheard the incident on the radio and put two and two together.

I panicked. There was no way I was going to let him know where I was going, I couldn't stand to see him cry, though I could tell he already was. I never had to worry about that before, since his armor never held any expression, but things were different now. I knew if I said goodbye, it would make leaving all the more difficult. I bolted inside the train without a second thought as the doors closed, making a barrier between myself and my brother.

I quickly took an empty seat at the back of the car as the train started gaining momentum. Alphonse had frozen stiff as a plank on the cemented train platform. He spotted me and gave me the most hurtful expression he had ever given anyone. I could see his dark brown eyes leaking tears, his arms remained by his side. Eventually I couldn't see him anymore as his silhouette faded completely. I could feel my heart being twisted in my chest, knowing what was going through his mind. But it was for the best.

It's been at least a day since that happened. I can't imagine what Al would be thinking now. Nothing had happened since then. I was still on the train, sitting alone like I had planned, occasionally getting side glances from Roy in the adjacent seat. Like I didn't hate him enough already, but now he was giving me these odd and almost concerned looks. It was his own damn fault I was being dragged out here, though there was no guarantee that's what he was thinking about. Maybe he was just looking at me in disgust for leaving my little brother like that. Whatever it was, all I wanted was for him to stop staring at me.

I gave him glances back, but not the ones that are rather pleasing. The little scum. He had promised he would do everything he could to prevent me from being forced out onto the field like this, but apparently he really didn't give a damn. He just wanted to see me squirm under his watch. All he cares about is his rank anyways so I shouldn't have counted on him for anything.

I'd been sitting in this uncomfortable seat for over a day now and my patients was slowly running out. I could always run off once we got the base and refuse to fight, but knowing the higher ups, they would probably shoot me. No doubt in my mind. If I wasn't noble enough to honour and help my own country, then there would be no reason for me to live in it. It made sense, to a gruesome degree.

My thoughts were interrupted by a younger officer who gave me a grin before sitting down across from me. It was Jean Havoc. One of the many officers who were also working under Roy Mustang, all a part of the same sinking ship. He could be a smart ass at times but he was definitely someone who was worth hanging out with.

"I thought that was you chief. I guess they dragged you out here too, eh?" he asked me with a sad smile on his lips, lighted cigarette hanging from them. "Not exactly how I wanted to spend my week, but that's the shitty life we soldiers live."

"You can say that again." I spat the sentence quite harshly but I wasn't directing it at Jean, but to Roy who was surely eaves dropping like he always did. Just a simple way for him to get information, though I didn't know what information he wanted.

"Listen, Elric, I know you're upset, but try not to take it out on anyone, okay?"  
>"I'm not upset!"<p>

I knew he meant well, but I really wasn't in the mood for any bull crap. There was a reason I had chosen to sit alone, but clearly he hadn't caught on. And seeing Roy's reaction in the corner of my eye wasn't helping my mood at all. He had leaned over and whispered something to Riza sitting beside him cleaning her pistol. Jean simply rolled his eyes.

"You can try and hide it Elric and we'll see how far you get." he grinned, taking the cigarette out of his mouth. He let it dangle between his fingers as he spoke. "Even I'm upset about this whole thing. If I were still in the East, I would be heading out to see my sister tomorrow, but that plan was screwed over."

"I can't say I had any plans, but this is a pain. Maybe I should have asked for some kind of desk job or something that would help the military, but not actually be involved." I played with my hands as I spoke, my eyes were wandering at the crystallized frost patterns on the window, blocking out the passing scenery.

"Fat chance with that. I tried asking a few days ago, and they told me to "keep dreaming". Besides, you're an alchemist, they'd need you more than ever out there-"

"Not anymore."

"Not anymore? You mean you being an alchemist?"

I nodded, keeping my head down. It was a fact that I was pretty embarrassed about, though I'd never show it. Being the Fullmetal Alchemist was what I was known for, now I was just your average teenager who knows a thing or two about alchemy. What's the point of knowing about alchemy if I can't even use it? Though I'm not complaining, I'd rather have my little brother than alchemy anyways. That was the price I had to pay after all.

"You serious? I guess I've never seen you in action a lot recently."

He paused for a while. I knew what he was thinking. Throwing me out on the field now was an instant death wish, but it's not like he would ever say it.

"That's unfortunate." Was all he could think of. I knew the conversation was headed in an awkward direction so I quickly changed it.

"Were you the only one in the group who was dragged out here?"

"Unfortunately no. Braida and Falman were also taken along. Talk about desperate." He rolled his eyes, but I knew he had no intention of insulting the officers he was speaking of. Falman and Braida had never been the most reliable soldiers. They did their work and all, but they hadn't served on the field in years.

"What about Fuery?" I asked, watching him flick the cigarette ashes on the ground.

"He's already there. He was transferred about a week ago when the communication with the West was lost and he was sent up to fix the radios."

His voice trailed off. A look of worry crossed his face. I knew he was worried about him, since they were pretty good friends. Fuery was also someone who was working under Mustang and one of the more harder working officers, but hadn't received a promotion in months.

There was a silence before Havoc spoke again.

"What's in the bag?" he asked, pointing with his eyes towards the plastic bag beside me. I had completely forgot about it until he pointed it out. I shrugged before pulling back the sides. Whatever it was, it was fabric, and it was blue.

I sighed, raising the material between us. Jean echoed the same sigh, knowing what I was thinking. This was the reality of it all, there was no way to deny the Amestrian uniform I now held. I only took a glance at it before throwing it down beside me without a second thought.

"You're not gonna put it on?" Havoc asked, returning the cigarette to his mouth as a lack of things to do. I was the only one on the train not wearing a uniform but I only shrugged, returning my gaze at the window. He interrupted me again.

"What about the case? Looked in that yet?"

"Would you drop it!" I snapped. I already had an idea of what was inside the case Roy gave me, and I didn't want him sitting there for that reaction too. And Roy would surely be watching. "I'll look later. Don't you have something better to do than sit here and pathetically console me?"

"I was just making sure you're alright. I know this is gonna be a sca-"

"Well I'm fine, okay. So you can leave me alone now." I didn't feel sorry for saying that. I never looked at him while I said it; I didn't want to see his stupid sympathetic look. He left shortly after, saying nothing, and made his way to the front of the car to sit back with Falman and a couple other officers. I didn't give a damn if he was gonna gossip with them about me, 'cause I knew he would.

Roy quickly snapped his head away as I glanced over at him. There was always a reason why I called him a Colonel Bastard. He needs to learn to leave well enough alone. I'm going to yell at him yet, but once we were alone, I'll give him a piece of my mind.


	2. Arrival

It was around evening when we finally got to the base. I had never been to the western area of the region in my life. I never had high expectations for the area after all the wars that had been fought over the years, but what was there was even bellow my standards. I walked in a daze behind Roy, who lead all of us into the base.

Now when the word base comes to my mind, I usually think of a few large buildings surrounded by a wall- for at least some kind of protection- but this was nothing more than a bunch of tents, and maybe a few warehouses around back if I saw correctly. They were probably stashed with all kinds of weapons- stuff that I wasn't really interested in.

Roy was greeted by another officer. I couldn't remember his name, my mind didn't care, but judging by the amount of stars on his jacket, he was high enough up the ranks that you wouldn't wanna be on his bad side. I watched as everyone scattered into different tents like a a bunch of mice being chased by a cat.

I was still in a daze, watching the sand dooms disappear in a puff as the wind blew them out towards the sky. Really nothing all that interesting to look at. Sand was never the most pleasing sight to the eye. There were a few trees or shrubs or -whatever they were- perched on a few mounts, but the could have honestly passed as a bundle of sticks. Pretty sad landscape.

I glanced back to the two officers, now looking at me in disapproval. Roy had his arms folded across his chest, looking like a disappointed mother, while the other only stared. My eyes wandered back to Roy and a large gash on his left eye. Had it been there before? Or was a just an oblivious idiot?

"Fullmetal, I think you'd better put on that uniform. We're heading out early tomorrow morning."

What a laugh. That idiot still called me Fullmetal. That title had been lost with my alchemy a few months back along with my pride, but I guess it was a habit to him now- wait! Tomorrow?"

"Why that soon?" I almost yelled, but managed to bite my tongue.

"We already have several men out in the trenches right now and they need our help as soon as possible. We would be heading out tonight, but we need to reload and it might take a while for us to pack."

Pack? It Sounded like we were going on a goddamn vacation.

I wanted to respond, but with what? I could only watched as they turned their backs and left.

I managed to find a tent with a vacant bunk- well more of a cot- and threw down my bags. The plastic one landed in a soft lump and the other with a clang. All the other solders were already pulling back their covers for a short rest, but i had no intention of sleeping. I was clearly the youngest in the tent, so that was enough to make me feel uncomfortable anyways, but I also knew no one. It would have been nice if Havoc had saved me a spot in his tent, but that would be to courteous of him wouldn't it?

A received a few odd glances, but I didn't care in the least. I quickly undressed and threw the uniform on as quickly as I could, kicking the plastic bag under the cot before sitting down in a slump. The black case mocked me. It's small clips begging to be unlatched. I gave in, lifting the lid. Small. Shinning. Deadly. I slammed it back down, shoving it off the bed with a crash. I let my eyes fall into my palms. The other four were startled by the noise, but payed no attention

I quickly caught a sob in my throat as I raked my hair back with my fingers. I just needed to wake up. Needed someone to slap me across the face- anything to wake up. Al would do it wouldn't he? Damn.

"Everything okay?" it was a female's voice. I looked up meeting Riza's dark brown eyes, her head peering into the tent.

"Yeah, I just dropped my- thing." I sighed attempting to point at the case in a scattered heap in front of me. My hands made their way back to my hair. Maybe Riza would slap me.

She gave me a sad smile, walking in and picking up the pieces of the disconnected pistol before joining me on the bed. She was quiet- kinda eery. But she fixed the gun in a matter of seconds before displaying it in her palm, waiting for me to take it. I didn't want it.

I looked away, giving her the notion I wanted her to take it and throw it against a wall. But all she did was set it down beside me. It shouldn't be treated to lightly. A gun deserves to be thrown and dropped. It's nothing compared to what they do to people.

"Has Roy spoken to you at all?" she asked quietly, knowing the other soldiers were heading to bed.

"Once. He just told me to get ready. Was he supposed to talk to me?"

"I was just curious." she was lying. That's exactly what she was expecting.

"What? You thought he was gonna come in here and comfort me? To late for that. Tell him once I get an alone time with him, I'm gonna beat him into a pulp."

Riza only sighed with a small smile. My odd comments always seemed to cheer her up.

"I'll let him know. But, Ed, you have to understand that this isn't the Colonel's fault. You know he cares about you-"

"My ass he does. He was supposed to prevent this kind of thing from happening. If he's running for Fuhrer any time soon he's not getting my vote."

"So you're just going to hold a grudge on him forever? You don't even know what-"

"That's exactly what I plan to do." my eyes fell to the gun. I ran my fingers along the barrel, like I was stroking a dog. Maybe if I was nice to it- it wouldn't hurt me. What a stupid thought. The heat was finally getting to me. "Don't tell me he sent you in here on purpose."

"No, Ed. I just wanted to make sure you were alright."

"Does it look like I'm alright?" I spat glaring up at her. I knew I shouldn't be taking my anger out on someone who was trying to help me, but it was the same with Havoc. People just needed to leave well enough alone, I wasn't a patient waiting for some therapist. "I don't even know what the hell I'm doing."

Her eyes fell. She knew for a fact I hadn't had any military training what so ever. Hell, I didn't even know how to load a gun-

"Can you show me?" the voice that same from my lips didn't even sound like mine. Just sounded like a whimpering child. Damn I need to grown up. Nothing had even happened yet and I was shaking like a leaf. She took the gun from the bed, placing it in my lap as she pulled her own from her holster.

I couldn't even remember half the stuff she said. There were to many little trigger and a huge routine for firing a single round- I remember what a round was. I nodded like I understood, still holding the gun like a piece of sharp glass. She got up with a soft expression, her ice cold hand cupping my cheek. My gold eyes met with hers.

"You'll be fine, Edward. You've gone through much harder things than this." she released my cheek as she shuffled out of the tent, closing the flaps tightly behind her.

That statement might of might not have been true. Was war really comparable to the rest of my life? After losing my family, getting my limbs ripped from my body, being attacked my serial killers and having brushes with death- war had better not be worse than that.


	3. Departure

My wake up call wasn't what I was expecting. I had to listen to Roy yell through the flaps of each tent, sounding as cocky and annoying as ever. There was rustling at the door before I heard his thundering voice yelling at me to get ready. It was starting to piss me off, since when does he have the right to push me around? He was never like this every other time. He was always laid back, even when I forgot to hand in a report for a month. Maybe all that anger was building up, when I really thought about it, maybe I was at fault for the way he was acting.

I had almost forgotten where I was, until the bed against my exposed back made my skin feel raw. It wasn't even close to the comforters I had back home. Originally it was Al's idea to purchase such expensive bedding, but he said we both deserved it, never minding that fact it cut out a half of my paycheck. Al... god what had I done to him?

"Fullmetal! Get up! Do I have to fire off a few rounds at your head?" Roy snapped, ripping the thin blanket off my legs. Of course I cursed at him, but honestly I think he's used to it. "Don't make me snap, kid."

"Why don't you go annoy Havoc? I'm sure it's time for his hourly smoke anyway." I had wanted that to sound a little more harsh, but my voice was still clogged with sleep, so it came out in more of a mumble. I tried using my arms as a source of heat, but nothing seemed to be working, not that the blanket was doing much to begin with. It was supposed to be summer, but it felt like mid January- minus the snow.

"Ed, now!"

Why was he even waking me up this early anyways? It's not like he's gonna be sending me on any missions or anything, probably just being a prick again. A quick silver flash caught my eye. A long smooth barrel leading down to a trigger. Shit. That's why. I could feel my shoulders heave as I was hit with a wave of reality. I rested my hand close to my shaking chest, my heart was going crazy. I could already hear several soldiers shuffling around gathering their equipment and exiting the tent. It was all a nightmare. I was still dreaming. I had to be.

"Ed, I swear! I-"

"Fuck off" Shit. Bad idea.

Next came the quick flash of pain to the back of my head as his fist grabbed a handful of my hair, pulling me upright. I gave a short yelp, jolting awake immediately only to be greeted with his cold dark eyes, my hair still in his grasp, forcing me to confront him. He only stared at me for a moment before instantly letting go and turning towards the door, his back was the only thing I could see.

"Just... get ready. I want to see you out here in five minutes."

What the hell was that? Now he's just being a jerk. I should yank a few chunks from his head and see how he likes it. What an ass. But that was really the least of my worries. Those few seconds of pain will be nothing compared to what I'm about to face. I really need to man up, but how strong can I really become in a few hours?

Regardless, I managed to haul myself out of the not-so-comfy bed, if it even qualified as a bed, and met Roy in the same place I left him last night. He gave me a quick glance before returned to talk to.. whoever it was. Damn I could really care less. On another note, I actually looked like I fit into the group with my new uniform. I've always been used to standing out with my bright red coat and such, now I was actually part of the team, but it's not like I enjoyed that thought. I should have left the military ages ago, but to be honest, I never thought it would come to this.

All I really wanted at this point was to get a few minutes of alone time with that Colonel bastard and beat some sense into him. If it weren't for his rank, I'd sock him in the face right now. He glanced over his shoulder peering at me with his greasy black eyes, so I returned my signature stare. After working with him for so long he knew what it meant.

He turned back to the group of is standing and waiting for his orders. The trucks had already been loaded with god knows what ammunition and all they were missing were the soldiers. He stood in front of us, shooting me a glance before putting on his tough guy face. What a laugh. He's the farthest thing from a though guy.

"We're moving out." was all he said.

After that, everyone knew what to do as they all piled into the trucks. I stared at the ground as others passed me. I ran my fingers along the handle of my holstered gun. I'd try whatever I could to prevent myself from using it. This was stupid. Roy should have known I was awful for this job and he always knew I could never take a life, even if it was an enemy.

I was thrown off guard by a hand on my shoulder. Of course it was that scum. Probably come to ask me if I'm okay and apologize or something stupid like that. As if an apology could fix what's happening. Why doesn't he just put a bullet in my head now?

"You're gonna get left behind, Fullmetal." He said monotonously. Almost creepy.

"Good."

He just let out a sigh after that response, but he was probably expecting that.

"You'd better get on that goddamn truck before I beat you on it!" he released my shoulder, shoving me backwards.

"What the hell is wrong with you? You trying to act all tough in front of your soldiers? Yeah, I bet pushing a shrimp like me is gonna show of the authority of your rank you bastard!" Damn. Just insulted myself in the process. Who cares. Saves him the satisfaction of saying it himself.

That might have been part of the reason for his action, but all he did was stand over me like a father about to scold a son. _Like I could ever see him as any kind of father figure._

I was half expecting a punch to the jaw, but all he did was stare. I could still see the welt bellow his eye even if he was covered in shadows. Everyone on the trucks were now staring and I'm sure he could feel their eyes burning into his back.

"You'd better not speak to your superior that way again. Don't forget your place, Elric." I'm sure he wanted that statement to sound a little more intimidating, but it only came out as a low growl. Even if I did 'forget my place', what was he gonna do about it? I'm sure taking his rage our on me wouldn't give him any points with the higher ups.

I gave no response as I pushed past him, taking a seat in on of the back trucks. And of course, my luck, he picks the same one. Can he not leave me alone for more than ten seconds? It's borderline obsession. Thankfully, he made his way towards the front of the truck, leaving me at the back. But it would have been nicer if there were more than a few meters of distance between us. Whatever, at least I can shoot him dirty looks the whole ride.

How long would this ride even be? A few minutes? A couple hours? A day? Did anyone even have a clue? I did want to ask someone, but there was a guarantee Roy would be eaves dropping like he always did. Jeez, first the train and now this? It was like he was the hawk and I was the pray. What as it that he wanted from my anyways? Even if I asked, it's not like he'd tell me. He'd just give some stupid comment like "I don't get what you're talking about." or "I think you need to get back on your medication.".

Whatever, I'll just spend the rest of the ride staring at... something. All I have on me is my gun, and I needed anything to get my mind off that burden hanging from my side. I hadn't even realized that to trucks had actually started moving. And so began the longest journey of my life.


	4. Movement

My fingers had already started to tremble, and my eyes were playing tricks on me every minute. I would always see things moving behind the lack of bushes, which turned out to either be a bird or a mirage, meanwhile my heart skipped a few beats with panic. I grabbed my chest with my hands, squeezing as hard as I could, which seemed to make my pain worse. No surprise there. Roy was still eyeing me, the little shit.

I peered past him, in the direction we were inevitably heading. I already saw smoke rising towards the clouds. That was either a sign that we were winning or that I was gonna go through hell.

I don't get it. Why the hell does everyone look so calm? A few groups were sharing cigarettes or chatting about their wives and children back home, with grins on their faces. I was probably the only one not having a social life right now, and I didn't care.

"Then she got so furious that she slapped me and left." A younger man laughed as he grinned at a scruffier military man cackling beside him. "Needless to say, she came back a few minutes later-"

"Edward? Did you hear me?"

"What?" I glanced up meeting Riza's brown eyes. Great. Mustang needs to screw off.

"We should be there in a few minutes. You should load a few more rounds." She paused before turning to her right, pulling something off her back. A rifle. Lovely, yet another thing I can't work... and don't want.

"Forget it." I spat. "It's bad enough that I have one of those things." I ran my hand along the pistol to emphasize my statement. "I'll stick with one."

"We won't be heading in the city for a while, and there's no way you'll be able to shoot from the trenches with that thing." She frowned, keeping the gun in front of her, just in my reach. I didn't even know what she meant by that, but I didn't ask.

"I'm not going to take something else that can end someone's life. I'm going to try whatever I can to prevent pulling the trigger."

She gave a frustrated sigh before sitting down beside me, the gun between her legs as she slid the smooth barrel through her hands.

"Edward, think realistically." She had an angry glare in her eyes, though I know she meant well. "Do you really think you can get through a war without having to take lives? Do you really think you can keep the peace?" She paused, watching my reaction. "These weapons are to protect yourself. These people you're about to face will have to mercy for you and will hurt or kill you in a matter of seconds. If you're not prepared to take their lives to save your own, there's no hope for you." I kept my eyes down. I could already feel tears threaten to fall. Maybe it was just because Riza's never talked to me like this before, she's always so polite.

"The rest of us will be to busy protecting ourselves to look out for you, so it's your own decision on whether or not you survive." She let out a sigh. I guess she noticed I wasn't to happy about this little talk. "I know you're still young, but you joined the military knowing this might happen one day-"

"Yeah but... I didn't think it would actually happen." She gave no response. "I've heard stories obviously, but it seemed so unreal, like something that would happen in a fairy tale, so I never thought-" I clenched my fists on my knees. The uniform was already feeling uncomfortable. "I always thought that war would be good virus evil, but these Cretans... they're not some kind of demon or monster. They're... people. They don't mean to be the way they are, because it's our fault to begin with, so why are they paying the price?"

"So you're saying we should just surrender because it's our fault?"

"What would be so bad about that? It was our military who pulled the trigger, so it's our fault that this is even happening; so can't we put an end to it as well?" I swallowed hard. Maybe there was someway I could back out of this. "Just start a new treaty or something-"

"The world isn't that simple, Ed. If matters could be fixed that easily, we wouldn't resort to this. We broke our end of the deal so the Cretans are just rebelling so we learn our lesson."

"But we're not learning anything! We're just causing more pain! Our forces are way stronger than theirs so there's no point in them fighting."

"And that's what we're trying to get them to realize." She sighed, taking a few shells out of her pocket, loading them in the barrel. "And all we can do is fight until they realize they're powerless to do anything."

"It's... just wrong. They're just like us. They have families and a country they care about, yet they can't even do anything." I glanced up at her, her eyes fixed on the preparation of the gun.

"All we can do is wait until they surrender, then hopefully everything can go back to the way it was. This isn't like Ishbal, Edward."

Ishbal. That's what came to my mind every time I thought of war. A seven year long battle, where an entire race of people were wiped out in a single night, all thanks to the state alchemists in our military. I had hear enough stories about that war to last a lifetime. And enough descriptions to make me feel like throwing up.

"We weren't sent here to destroy this country or commit genocide, this is to restore the trust that was lost."

"We're trying to restore trust by killing even more people? That doesn't make any sense! Does our military even think about this kind of stuff?"

"If we don't fight back, we'll end up losing several lives and they'll start triumphing over us. We're the country that needs to stay in power." She held out the gun again, waiting for me to take it. "Just think about Al, and focus on returning home to him safely."

"Even if I do, how can I go back to him, knowing what I've done?"

"You're not in this alone. The rest of us will help in in whatever way we can, but you can't expect us to help you every second. You have to rely on your own strength for a lot of this." She gave me a stern look, the kind she gave Roy when he was slacking instead of doing work. "But be careful, Edward. Don't trust anyone, no matter what they say." She got up, leaving the gun beside me as she returned to her seat beside Roy, staying silent as she watched him brush off his signature gloves.

The little prick probably felt pretty safe with his alchemy. With him around, why did I even need to be here? Is our military really that desperate right now?

All I could do was stare at the second burden beside me. I knew I should take it, since Riza did have a point, everyone else will be to busy worrying about themselves to even consider what's happening to me. I'm always used to having people there guarding my back and now it was all me. Alphonse had always been there before while fighting and occasionally, Roy would have come and back us both up, but now I couldn't rely on either of them.

I hadn't even realized that Havoc was sitting in front of me until I got a whiff of smoke, which was enough to make me gag. He gave me a sad smirk before returning to his joint. He seemed to look as worried as I was. Havoc was never one to go out in the field. He's done office work for most of his carrier as far as I knew, I don't even think he's fired a gun before. Mostly, I think he's just worried about Fuery. Everyone who worked under Mustang was bound to be worried about him, since every member of his team were so close. Hell, even I was starting to worry.

I sighed, getting up to sit beside the chain smoker. I'm sure I've called him that once to his face, but I don't think he even cares. He's heard me call Mustang far worse. He gave me a questioning look before offering me a cigarette. I shrugged, taking one from the box. Normally, I would never touch one of those sticks if my life depended on it. If I was going to die today, might as well try it once.

After the light, I swear I could have puked from the taste, but eventually it calmed me down, but not nearly as much as I would have liked. I coughed twice before speaking, breaking the silence.

"Why aren't you with Braida and Falman?" It wasn't the best ice breaker, but I needed something.

"I just needed some time to think, ya know?" he kept his eyes on the ground, dangling the cigarette box between his fingers. "I guess this whole situation is little to big for me."

"You're starting to sound like me." I wanted it to sound like a joke, but I don't think it registered. "Weren't you the one who told me to not get upset? Now you're over here sulking?"

"Give it a rest Elric, I'm not in the mood."

"Come on, Havoc. There's enough of sulking going on around here without you being involved." I sighed, leaning over, putting my elbows on my knees.

"Then you'd better knock it off too." he smirked slightly, giving me a quick glance.

"I think I have a better reason to be upset- but I'm not upset, like I said before." there was a pause before I spoke again. "Can I ask you something?"

The silence was enough to let me continue.

"You've never fought in a war before have you?" I returned the cigarette to my lips before taking a quick inhale, while feeling my throat burn at the same time.

"I've never been in anything to big. Nothing compared to Ishbal, but I've been in a couple. If it's stories you're wanting, you'd be better off asking Riza or something."

"It's nothing like that. I was just curious about something."

He gave me a questionable look. I tried covering my troubled expression with my bangs, but he managed to catch a glimpse before I could hide it.

"Have you ever... killed anyone before?"

"Somehow I knew you were going to ask that." He took his eyes off me and back to the box in his hands. "And yes, I have. And I've known you long enough to know you're going to ask how I felt about it."

Damn, was I really that legible?

"I'm not gonna lie, my first time was pretty traumatic and I still don't think I'm over it. But, Ed, let me just say that during the fight, what was going through my mind wasn't the fact that I just killed someone. My mind was blank, like I was some emotionless figure. It finally registered when we were back at the base and there was nothing to think about, except about how many lives you had taken."

"So you're saying you didn't feel bad about it at all until the end?"

"All you can think of while fighting is protecting yourself. It's like you don't even care that you're pulling the trigger, as long as you get out of it alive." Havoc paused, inhaling another puff of smoke, and I followed, doing the same.

"I had a feeling that was the case. I was hoping you'd say something else though." I sighed, letting the fume fall from my lips in a soft line.

"We're all human here, meaning we have emotions. We're inevitably going to hurt when we take someones life, and there's no way around that."

I knew he was right. The only person I could think of who didn't fit into that category was an officer by the same of Zolf Kimblee. The psychopath practically laughed as he turned people into bombs, claiming they had a soothing sound when they exploded. The thought of that creep was enough to send a shiver up my spin. It also made me think of a few other people like him; for instance, Barry the Chopper, the mental case of a serial killer who had almost ended my life. I had to wonder if people like him even felt bad at all. Maybe at one point, but they probably got so used to killing it seemed more like a hobby than anything.

"That maybe true, but still," I paused, making short eye contact "I don't even know if I can pull the trigger. How did you manage to do it?"

"Like I said, it was almost as if I wasn't even in control of my body. The only thing I was focused on was staying alive so I didn't even care who I was killing-"

"I don't buy that." I spat, ripping the cigarette from my mouth. "If that's true then we're not so different from Kimblee. Even _his_ actions an be justified by him wanting to stay alive and that bastard doesn't have any thoughts when he kills people either. Maybe he enjoys it so much because he stays alive." My stomach practically heaved at that thought. There was no way I wanted to compare myself to that creep.

"Ed, don't even start thinking like that. There are no similarities between that guy and ourselves."

Bullshit. I knew he was thinking the same thing. He sighed before speaking again.

"I guess this is pretty shitty timing isn't it? I bet you wouldn't be so worried about this if you were still an alchemist."

"Actually, I don't think it would change anything." Havoc watch as I crushed out the stick, waiting for my response. "There's no way I'd use alchemy in any way to take someone's life. That science is meant to help people not destroy their lives." I glared over at Roy, hoping he had heard that statement.

"Even if it destroys your own life?"

"Then I guess that would be my punishment for being an alchemist." I shrugged it off with a smirk.

The truck suddenly lurched to a halt, following suit of the trucks in front. Were were now about a kilometre away from the battle field. Luckily, the smoke I'd seen hadn't been from our side, meaning we still had a chance. Roy was the first to get up, climbing out of the back. I had a sudden urge to trip him before he made it, but I held back.

"We're heading out to the trenches! Leave nothing behind!" He had to shout over the sounds of distant discharges and gunfire. We obeyed.

Shit, Ed wake up.


	5. Confrontation

Dammit you moron what are you thinking? You're just following these people into battle blindly! Do you even know what you're doing? Just turn around, just start running and don't look back.

At least, that's what I'd like to do. I'm not gonna lie and say that I wasn't terrified. Every step made it more real. I still thought I was in a dream and any second now Al would wake me up and tell me everything was okay. All I needed to do was open my eyes.

Roy was barking orders ahead of us, and it wasn't good what I couldn't hear what he was saying over the gunfire. Just one more reason I'm now a dead man. I found Havoc in the crowed and quickly shuffled over to him as we all walked in lines towards the trenches. He was to busy fumbling with his riffle to even know I was there. I could tell from his eyes that he wasn't ready for this either. The only ones who seemed to be confident were Roy and Riza. I guess after going through Ishbal, nothing would be scarier than that.

Was it pathetic of me to want to run over and ask them for protection? But I remembered what Riza had told me earlier, I was gonna have to look after myself. But that didn't mean I wasn't going to stick with a group and I'm sure Havoc wouldn't mind having me around... I hope.

The walk into the trenches wasn't long at all. I was to busy thinking about how to escape that I was already trapped. I was surrounded by dirt walls and dirt floor, which was better than nothing. Barbed wire ran the length of the trench at the top, but most of it had been blown away already and blood dripped through the seems of the wooden steaks. I wanted to throw up.

My stomach lurched when I felt a hand grab my arm. I quickly drew my pistol, stopping midway when black eyes locked on mine.

"Why are you just standing there?" It was Roy. He was already yelling at me and we hadn't even started anything. Now I wish I'd fired. "And why the hell do you have your pistol drawn? Do you really think that's gonna hit anyone at this distance?" he motioned towards the enemy lines.

It can hit you...

He snatched the riffle from over my shoulder, shoving it into my arms. I could already see soldiers lining up at the front of the dirt walls, loading, firing and reloading. Now I was supposed to join them. I was trying to locate Riza in the line, since being beside a sharp shooter would be a safe bet, but Roy ended up shoving me beside a random and himself. Just another way to keep his grubby little eyes on me.

He fired with a gun for more control, refraining from using his alchemy. The smoke probably wouldn't help our situation. It was odd to see him hold a gun, since he always relied on his alchemy. But I think I liked it better. He didn't seem so cocky. He looked average.

"What the hell are you waiting for?" he shot, ducking down to load another couple shells. I didn't respond. I strained my neck to look over the mounds, seeing nothing but bodies. I jolted back down, curling in on myself. My hands were shaking even more than I realized.

"Colonel, I can't do this." The words managed to squeak out of my mouth, and I'm surprised he even heard me, but maybe he just decided to glare at me and he didn't hear me at all.

"Ed, get up!" he took a step towards me. I quickly flinched away.

"Roy, please-" what the hell? When was the last time I called him by his actual name- or even begged? He quickly grabbed my arm, attempting to pull me up. I probably looked like the biggest wimp in front of our military. Everyone else was thinking the exact same thing, I was just the only one who was doing something about it.

"Stop being a baby, Elric! You're not getting any special restatement just because you're a wimpy little child!"

My whole body froze. All I could do was stare into his black eyes, which definitely matched his heart. Sure I was thinking that, but he never told me those kinds of things. Especially not with that much seriousness, everything was always a joke.

I tried jerking my arm out of his hold, as he managed to yank me to my feet. All I wanted to do was knock him out. However he pulled me closer to his face, his features glaring at me, his grip tightening on my arm.

"You'd better smarten up." his voice was so cold an monotone that it actually scared me, but I kept a serious face in return, not giving him an answer- what some would call a poker face. It must have angered him more than I thought. He was probably expecting me to go along with it, but no reaction was worse to him than actually getting one. All he could do after my mute expression was shove me back to my position.

He mumbled something under his breath as he turned away, I wish I'd actually heard it, but maybe I'm glad I didn't. I noticed he was turning to leave to be beside someone else. Shit. It was shortly after that I looked up and pulled the trigger. The ice breaker.

Although I was staring wide-eyed at the newly smoking barrel, I think Roy was more shocked then I was. What the hell was I thinking? Was I supposed to be impressing him? I remained frozen for the next few minutes. That didn't happen, right? Just another nightmare Al would wake me from...

I immediately dropped the riffle like it was scalding hot, which it might have been, but I hadn't noticed. I placed my hands on the dirt walls, trying not to collapse. This wasn't a big deal, it wasn't a big deal... Havoc lied.

All I got in return was a pat on the shoulder from Roy, who had apparently stayed. Great. I just shot the only innocence I have left and that's all he does. I could tell you exactly what he was thinking now: _You've already killed one, so might as well keep going._ Not that he'd have any emotion after killing so it's not like he'd understand.

I quickly shrugged him off, wiping my face and picking up the riffle again. All he did was watch. Goddamn it, say something! Stop staring at me like that was the most horrible thing you've ever seen, because I know you've done worse yourself. I had to blink back a few tears, not only from the fact I'd killed my first soldier, but the fact you were probably thinking I shouldn't have been born. If I die now, I deserve it.

There's no point in sulking if this is only the first day. Who knows how long we'll be in this hell hole. Might as well cut off all emotions I have. Riza was right. All I needed to do was focus on getting back to Al in one piece. I can do this if I think about being back with him, curled up on the couch, laughing and crying about past times we've had searching for the stone. And I know he's waiting for me too... waiting for me to explain why I left him the way I did.

I looked back over at Roy, with the same "piss off" look I always give him. He gave a little smirk before returning to his position. Maybe he thought I was fine after what just happened, but all I had to do was act. You're used to the pathetic brat who'd come running into your office and give off a few snide remarks. I'm not the kid you used to know. Don't expect me to get all upset in front of you.

It was now blind fire. I wasn't even aiming anymore. The repetition just came easily. Fire, duck, load, fire, duck, load. Everything around me became a haze. I was probably becoming deaf at this point, but I kept going, just because that's what you're supposed to do in the military. Either you follow orders or you get killed, simple as that. And I wasn't about to die anytime soon... not if I could help it.

It was nearly dawn when the other side retreated for the night, which was lucky for us. If they had seen the condition of half our soldiers, they would have surely issued an ambush. Roy fired a few more shots to make sure all of them were gone before giving his orders. He set up watch teams and let the others get healed before taking a post. I found this an an opportunity to duck into one of the tents that had been set up for the night. As if the trench wasn't cramped enough as it was.

I quickly removed the blue military jacket to free myself of the itchy material, letting the air nip at my skin. My light black shirt wasn't doing much to keep me warm, but it wasn't nearly as cold as the night before. I was covered in dirt already, my hands were a mixture of mud and calluses and my legs were already cramped from crouching. Not to mention Roy had given me a bruise on my arm when he grabbed me and it was now throbbing. In short, I was a mess. I knelt down trying to wipe off the mud from my face, which only succeeded in smearing it around, even when I used my uniform. Like I cared if it got dirty.

"There you are." was the next thing I heard. And you can probably guess who.

"What now?" I snapped, keeping my back towards the door. I made a pathetic attempt to fix up my uniform to make it look like I was doing something.

"Just wanted to let you know you'll be on watch with Havoc in an hour so you can catch a bit of rest." I was trying to picture what expression he was making, but the tone of his voice threw me off.

"Sure." was my only response. The only one he deserved. I could have thrown in a few expletives, but decided against it.

There was a long silence. For a minute I thought he left, but his shadow was still cast on the far wall. He was clearly still lingering. His presence was kinda eery.

"What do you want?" I shot quickly. I didn't need this bullshit now. I almost choked on my own voice trying to fend him off. But it didn't come out the way I wanted.

"What makes you think I want something?" Typical. His expression was definitely smug now.

"If you didn't, you would have sent Hawkeye in here to tell me that. So, whaddya want?"

"You're straight to the point aren't you?" He was in the tent now, the flap made a ruffle as it closed again. Now that we're alone, maybe I can throw a few punches.

"I'm just not in the mood for you beating around the bush. If you wanna say something, say it." I'd left my jacket alone, realizing that I had no interest in looking busy. I could feel his eyes burning in the back of my skull. Not a pleasant feeling.

"I just came to check on you, is that so wrong?"

Yes, actually it is...

"And since when do you come to check on me?" I spat. I didn't care if I was being rude to him. If I crossed a line, he'd surely slap me around like he did before.

"Ever since you just did that." He didn't define what "that" was, but I had an idea.

"Yeah, that's nice and nosy of you, but I'd rather be alone right now." I could still see the dim cast of his shadow on the wall. I could hear him taking a few paces forward as his footsteps crunched on the tarp flooring. I could now feel him lingering over my shoulder. I heard him kneel down behind my back.

"Ed, I know you're not okay with it-"

"Really? What gave me away?" I shot sarcastically rolling my eyes, although he couldn't see it.

"I just came to see if you wanted to talk about it-"

"There's nothing to say. I killed people in a time of war, end of story."

"Sure it may seem like that to everyone else, but to you it's a lot more, isn't it?" His voice was low and quiet. At least he took the time to consider that I didn't want the entire Amestrian army to hear this conversation.

"It's- no dig deal. I mean it's war. Of course I'd have to do this. I knew I'd do this. I knew the risks when I joined the military anyways..." I trailed off. My sentences were starting to make no sense. All I was concerned about was covering up how I really felt so Roy wouldn't have something to laugh at.

"Thinking about it is a little different than actually making it happen." Damn, I was letting him get to me.

"I know that- but like I said there's nothing to talk about. Don't you have something better to do?" I paused for a minute. I finally remembered that we were alone. "It's nice that's you're pathetically trying to look concerned for me, but I know you're just trying to look good in front of your superiors." I waited for a minute. No response. Mission successful.

"Is that why you're so pissed off, Fullmetal?"

"Stop calling me that!" I actually turned around and faced him for the first time since he stepped in the tent. "Stop acting like you actually give a damn!" Still silent. Was he waiting for me to say something specific? I'll just let him have it. "You start off acting like an ass and now you're in here acting like you care, what do you want from me?" All he did was close his eyes as if thinking of a response. Why is it when I need the answers, I can never get them?

"I don't want anything from you, Ed." That's it? That's all he's gonna say?

"Then why are you here? And why didn't you do anything when you promised you would, you selfish bastard?"

"Ed, it's more complicated than you think-"

"Bullshit! That's just a way for you to get a way with it. You want to me forgive you so your mistakes can be accounted for. I know you're not going to tell me the truth, because I know you, Roy. You never tell me anything!" I could already feel tears brimming the edge of my eyes. Shit. I need to abandon this conversation- and fast.

"You actually think I didn't try to prevent this?"

"No. Why would you? All you do is chase your own goals and to hell with everyone else. So why would you even care about what happens to me? I'm just another one of your pawns that can throw out into battle in order to get what you want-"

"Ed, just listen-"

"You think I'm just an oblivious idiot and will follow you just because you're a higher rank, but I know-"

"Ed! Would you shut up and listen to me for once in your life!" It wasn't a question.

"No! Everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie or some form of indecency so I end up playing right into your hands. You want me to be a loyal subordinate, I get that- but if you want me to be able to trust you, maybe you should stop lying to my face and treating me like a kid!" I could tell he was getting frustrated with my hot headed outbursts, but I was also getting frustrated with just seeing his face.

"And you wonder why I don't tell you anything..." that was the last thing he said before turning his back to leave. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Damn, I forgot to ask him something else. Where the hell did that bruise on his face come from? But it's not like he would tell me anyways.

The only thing I can do now is catch a quick nap before going out to watch with Havoc.


	6. Ambush

** I realized I haven't done an authors note yet! So this is my first! I appreciate all the reviews I've gotten and love to hear any suggestions too, makes it a lot easier to continue :D I've had a writers block for a while now.. well more like no motivation X_X I've recently started working and I'm trying to keep up with drawing a bit more since I actually have a life noew :P So it might take me a while to get a few more chapters out.**

** Heads up, the chapters are gonna get a lot more serious, but there will be some nice Ed and Roy scenes, which are always really fun to write XD just a little warning! And sorry if the chapters seem a little rushed at times, I'm trying my best to get as much detail in as I can, but for now, enjoy the chapter! **

**Loves you all!**

My nap was a lot quicker than I wanted it to be. I closed my eyes and the next thing I saw was Havoc in my face, breathing his smoky breath on me. Despite the smell, I took the cigarette he offered me as he helped me up. Maybe it was becoming an addiction. But I could care less.

"Sorry to wake you up like this chief." he grinned the typical Havoc grin offering me a light.

"You have no reason to be sorry." The first puff of the stick was enough to calm me down.

It was creepishly quiet. Havoc and I seemed to be the only ones who were awake. I left the tent first with Havoc following behind. The watch area wasn't even much of a watch. It was so dark everything was sloshed into one giant blanket. All we had to do was listen for enemy soldiers and try to stay awake at the same time.

I looked up and spotted another soldier at the post. Clearly Havoc and I weren't the only ones. There was a small lantern in the middle of three chairs. Damn. It looked like a little campfire. Now the horror stories...

It was light enough to make out some of the soldier's features. He looked slightly older than myself with dark hair and glasses. He almost looked like...

"Fuery?!"

"Ed! I was wondering where you were. Havoc mentioned you'd been dragged out here." he gave a light smile. He probably thought I was dead or something. Thrown away like a piece of trash. But I was thinking the exact same thing happened to him.

"Did you two meet up during the fight?" I glanced up at Havoc. I hate that I always have to look up... but he gave a nod as a response. I turned back to Fuery as I took a seat; Havoc took the remaining chair.

"I'm glad you see you're okay. Havoc said you'd been here for a while and I had no idea how much had happened." I crossed my legs up on the chair trying to get comfortable.

"It's been a tough go. But it's good that you guys came when you did." he gave a sigh before continuing. "To be honest, there were several times where I could have been killed. It almost doesn't seem real."

"I know how you feel..." I trailed off. Havoc only made a small agreeing noise.

"But come one guys, we don't wanna sit here sulking about it." Feury was always good at making people perk up. He was just innocent that way. "I've been meaning to ask how your brother's doing, Ed."

Shit. I felt me stomach lurch and my heart, I swear, ripped in two. That's not something I want to be thinking about right now. Even thinking of his face made me want to cry. What if I didn't make it back? Who'd look after him? Who would be there to comfort him when he needed it, or help him with his new body? But all I said was-

"He's fine."

"Fine? That's it? Come on, Ed, I know there's more for you to say than that. What are you two doing now that he has his body back?" I could tell he was anxious to hear the reply. He kept his eyes on me as he took a cigarette from Havoc. I had no idea he smoked... then again, I had no idea I did either.

"Nothing crazy. We just have an apartment in the city and he spends most of the days cleaning and reading." Just like he used to.

It was a little different than I was used to though. He's a lot frailer than he was when he was ten. Ever since he got his body back I've been helping him do average tasks that people do without even thinking such as eating or getting dressed. He's gotten a lot better at eating though and he doesn't drop the fork every five seconds. When he regained some strength the first thing he did was clean the apartment. I'd always tease him that he was like a girl, which would always end in a wrestling brawl that he would start, but end up losing. My little brother is like my other half.

"Really? I'm surprised you didn't move back to the country." Havoc gave me an odd look, but I knew what he was getting at. Winry.

"I'm just used to the city. And it's nice to have a change every once in a while." What a crappy excuse. I hadn't talked to Winry ever since I got Al's body. She insisted I stayed in Risembool with her and Granny, but the only thing I wanted to do was help Al. Sure she was a close friend and all, but blood is thicker than water. That was something my father had told me when I was little. Right before he left us. Ironic isn't it?

"I guess that's true." Kain was the only one who replied. "But still, Ed, I have to ask-" he paused for a minute. "Why are you still in the military?" I knew he felt bad for asking the question, but at least he came out and said it. Better that than lingering around it.

"To be honest, I'm not sure. The only reason I became a dog was for the power of knowledge the position gave me-" and now that everything's back to normal, why am I still here? I guess I underestimated the military. "I never thought I'd have to be dragged out here so it seemed like a pretty good job." but now that we're on the subject... "Why are you guys in the military?"

They both looked at each other for a quick second and then back to me. What? Had no one asked them that before?

"My reason is simple. I wanted to serve my country. I wanted to protect the people I love and here I am doing exactly that." Havoc made his voice strong as he replied. I guess he's not a wimp after all. He looked over at Kain waiting for a response. I wasn't expecting Kain's reasons to be like that.

"Well, it was definitely my choice to become a soldier. I used to work on small gadgets and radios in my home and sold them. It just so happened an officer was interested in my work and I got a job for the military repairing their gismos. The whole reason I'm in this mess in the first place..."

"So I guess you're like me, huh?" I gave a small humored grin. Neither of us were expecting this. We joined the military out of impulse and now we're getting screwed over.

"That's true. But I never thought I'd see you out here, Ed-"

"I know. I wasn't supposed to be out here. A certain someone promised to prevent it, but his backstabbing ass forced me out here." I sighed feeling my face heat up with rage again. I took another quick smoke of the cigarette.

"You're talking about Mustang, right? That doesn't sound like him." Of course Kain would say something like that. He trusts everyone.

"I'm willing to bet you tore a piece off him." Havoc let out a small chuckle at the image that was surely forming in his mind.

"I haven't had the chance to yet. He hasn't even bothered to tell me why he forced me out here." My voice grew quiet. I was just getting more upset with the conversation and my hate was growing stronger towards my superior. I wanted to keep my voice to a whisper in case he was eaves dropping. But I think I want him to hear...

"Well don't jump to conclusions there, Elric. He might have had nothing to do with it-"

"Yeah right." I spat while I interrupted. "Even if it had something to do with the higher ups, he could have said something. He could have put up a fight against them to change their minds. But knowing him he went into their office, gave a shitty ass excuse, they declined and he gave up. Now here I am. There's no way someone like him would risk his own rank just to protect someone like me from war."

"And what does that mean, Fullmetal?"

Shit. He's the only one who calls me that.

I spun my head over my shoulder, seeing his tall figure looming over me. The lantern cast the creepiest glow on his face that reminded me of a horror movie.

"What do you mean, someone like me?"

"You know damn well what I mean." I turned back, avoiding eye contact. I knew how much he hated that. "You're not on watch right now so why are you here?"

"I just wanted to be part of this conversation. It sounded like it was taking an interesting turn." What a smug bastard.

"It was just ending." I spat. I could tell he was grinning. He took a seat despite my comment. He grabbed another chair and sat beside me, his hands folded together, waiting for me to continue. I stayed quiet. I gave a look over to Havoc, giving him a hint to start another topic.

"So what was that you were saying, Ed?" he smirked. His eyes were challenging. I couldn't tell if he was mad or amused. Fine. Let him have it.

"I was just telling everyone how much of an ass hole you are." Satisfactory. "But I doubt you'd wanna hear about that so you can leave now."

"Oh no, do continue." he crossed his legs as I grew silent. Havoc and Kain had no idea what to say either. It was just really awkward all together.

"Hey, Fuery, I'm gonna go get a drink, you want anything?" Havoc's voice was quick and to the point. He awkwardly scratched the back of his head, keeping his eyes away from Roy, who was still glaring at me. Kain quickly perked up his head.

"Yeah, umm, I'll go with you." And just like that it was just me and the Colonel. Those cowardly bastards.

"Now that they're gone, you can continue your little rant." I'm not sure if he said that normally or if he wanted to poke fun at my height. I let it slide.

"I want nothing to do with you right now."

"Then why'd you start talking so the whole battalion could hear you?" He shot. "You clearly wanted someone to notice."

"No. I'm always loud. That's just you being a nosy little ass." I folded my arms across my chest, slouching back in my seat. This was turning out the be the worst day of my life. Okay, the second worse day of my life. "I'd rather not talk to you right now. Besides, even if I wanted to talk to you, you'd never tell me anything I want to know."

"Maybe if you actually shut your trap and listened you might hear something other than your own voice."

That was true. But what I heard wasn't the voice I was expecting.

"Ed, get down!" there was sharp pressure to the back of my head and I ended up crouched behind the dirt wall next to Roy. A thunder-like explosion was heard in front of the base and shards of wood and rock were now like rain. "Ed, stay here!" there were more that followed. I snatched his sleeve before he got up.

"I'm going to get everyone set up. You stay here." He drew my pistol for me and placed it in my hand. "Keep watch!" Keep watch? Keep watch for what? The only thing I watched was him disappearing in the shower of ash before I could speak.

"Havoc? Kain? You here?" my voice was a crying whimper . For the first time, I was alone. The only thing that accompanied me was the sheet of smoke and the panicked cocking of guns. "Colonel?..." no answer. Was he coming back?

I pressed my back as far as I could against the wall trying to remain invisible. I closed my eyes for slightly longer than a blink, hoping it would disappear. I had already curled my legs to my face and remained folded on the ground. I was to scared to get up and look over the wall so I kept my position, with my pistol between my knees.

I was alone for a few minutes until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I was inches away from pulling the trigger until I met brown eyes.

"Lieutenant? What happened?" Riza gave me a concerned look and kept herself low beside me.

"An ambush. Apparently they had a squad sneak into the base. They took a few soldiers and then let out a signal to attack."

"What? They're in the base? And who were the soldiers?"

"I don't know who they were but the enemies are gone now. All we have to worry about is fending off the attacks before they start moving in." That last sentence could scare anyone. If they moved in we'd be done for. If they had brought in a bigger squad they could have easily taken over the base a few minutes ago; But instead they only took a few soldiers. What was the point of that?


	7. Past

**I'm sorry for the long wait for this chapter! I'm trying to fit writing into my life a bit more. Work has taken over what free time I had D: There are a lot of lose ends in the story so far, but have no fear all questions will be answered! I don't wanna spill out everything now :P then the rest of the story wouldn't be as fun MUHAHA! It will get more depressing though... I have many ideas for the future *evilly taps fingers* Enjoy the chapter! **

I had to admit, Roy did a pretty good job at ordering us around. While everyone else was panicking, he stayed calm and managed to make rational decisions. He had practically every inch of the trench secured and snipers around every corner. I felt fairly safe being beside Hawkeye the whole time, since she was known for her sharp shooting. Me on the other hand, well I'm not gonna sugar coat anything: I suck.

Within a half hour, the other side pulled back, which was a relief. I'd seen enough bloodshed the day before, but the sad part was, we had barely started the war. You could almost feel everyone sigh in unison as we heard the orders across the field to retreat. I guess that meant their side wasn't in to good a shape either. The snipers fires a few more shots before everyone left their positions. Some met up with friends to discuss what had just happened, though no one knew any details. I looked over at Hawkeye, making sure it was safe to get up, she nodded and we both headed over to Roy who was practically pulling out his hair in frustration.

"You did a good job back there, sir." Riza offered him a smile along with the comment, which I don't think he even noticed.

He didn't seem relieved like the rest of us, but rather more upset.

"You did the right thing. If you hadn't done that, we might have been infiltrated far beyond control." Riza let her smile fall, noticing that Roy hadn't even looked at her yet. Why did it sound like she was comforting him? No one was killed, that was a good thing, wasn't it? He completely ignored her comment again.

"Fullmetal, your night shift is over." he shot his thumb towards the tent. I swear my gut ripped in two. Was all of this my fault? After all, I had been posted to watch for threats and I hadn't even done that. I gave a quick nod and ducked into the tent. It was almost a guarantee that Roy was going to beat my ass later tonight.

"F- Fullmetal, you- what was that?"

Shit. I wasn't very subtle. He caught me off guard when he threw open the tent flaps.

"Nothing." I quickly removed my hand from under my pillow and glared at him. I really need to get better at lying. Luckily, he didn't push any farther and came into the tent.

"I'm surprised you're still up. I sent you in here like... an hour ago." I knew the conversation was going to get serious when he actually sat down. He had no intention of leaving. "You left this back at your spot." he handed me my mud caked pistol. I remembered it being so much brighter a couple days ago. I didn't even want it.

"Thanks." it was practically sarcasm. "I couldn't sleep."

"I don't blame you..."

"okay, seriously, what do you want?" I wanted that to sound mean, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. As pathetic as it is, I felt sorry for him. He looked like he'd died and them came back to life. His eyes were sunken from exhaustion and he'd started tapping his fingers in a nervous tick.

"Ed, I need to be honest with you. You've wanted answers from me this whole time and I-"

"So you're actually going to tell me what I want to hear?" Maybe it was a good thing he felt like shit. The old Roy would never tell me anything. But that's what was creeping me out right now.

"I want you to know, that I tried-" he paused for a minute and reached into his coat pocket. What he pulled out looked like a silver container and he raised it to his lips.

"Are you drunk?" my eyes narrowed. He gave a chuckle and took another gulp from the flask. "Get out!"

"Common, Fullmetal I was gonna explain-"

"Get out-!" He quickly clamped his hand over my mouth, forcing me against the ground.

"Would you just shut up so I can talk. For fuck sakes Ed, this is what you wanted!"

I tried to squirm out from under him. He'd placed all his weight on my stomach, making it more and more difficult to breathe. Not that I could tell him with his hand on my mouth. Even me clawing at his arm wasn't enough for him to clue in. Air became a necessity, so I did the first thing that came to mind. The first chance I got, I sank my teeth into his hand. The taste of copper on my tongue was enough for me to know that I'd drawn blood. After a quick shriek from Roy, more blood followed as he backhanded me across my cheek.

"What the fuck is your problem!?" His voice had never scared me so much than at that moment.

I already knew that Roy had a drinking problem. Apparently he'd gotten in to deep with alcohol after the Ishballan war and hasn't been able to stop. I've been able to witness firsthand how violent and depressed he gets. He'd actually wandered to our apartment more than a couple of times completely wasted. All I can say is that I was glad Al was asleep every time.

"Get off!" I took the opportunity to shield my face with my arms, though I'm sure if he wanted to, he could break them like twigs. "I-I can't breathe!"

"Good. Then maybe you won't talk for a second so I can say something." he forcefully grabbed my arms, pinning them on either side of my head. I had no choice by to look into his dark eyes.

"Stop it! Get off!"

"Shut up!"

"No! Get out! I'm not gonna talk to you when you're drunk as fuck, you crazy bastard!" squirming really made no difference in my position. And yelling at him probably didn't help either. He took a quick opportunity to spit in my face, keeping his glare hard.

"Don't you fucking talk to me like that! I'm telling you what you want to hear!"

I gave no answer. There really was no way to answer. Nothing I'd say would reach him or he'd take it that wrong way. I kept my eyes closed. Hard. But his gaze was still burning into my skull.

"Now, if I let go of you, will you fucking listen?" his voice was a little softer, but not by much. I nodded slowly keeping my eyes shut until his weight eased from off of my stomach. He took a seat beside me.

I sat up, gave a quick look around. And bolted. He lunged to try and grab my leg, but missed thanks to his drunk reflexes. I made it to the door in time to make a quick get away. Even as I weaved through the trenches I could hear him cursing and yelling at me.

"Yeah, you go and run, Ed! Just run away! That's what you always do you fucking coward!"

I found a small pocket corner where I huddled against the wall. Unless someone was looking there, they would just walk right past, which was convenient considering my situation. None of the other soldiers even seemed fazed by Roy's outbursts and screaming. They probably already knew he was piss drunk and expected nothing less. I'm sure a few of them have experienced what I have on a few occasions. Him wandering around the house talking about his life to the extent where he's so mad he starts hitting things- or people. I swear I almost got a concussion one time.

There was no way I was spending anymore time in that tent alone with him. He most likely didn't realize half the stuff he was saying. Hell even if he was black out drunk right now, he still spoke the truth. I ran because I was scared. I always run away from my problems, my feelings and my fears. I really am a coward. I was afraid to talk to Al about my transfer to the field, so I ran. I didn't want to confront Roy, so I ran. I even ran away from my own home because I was afraid of remembering. Maybe once in my pathetic life I won't run, I'll actually stay and fight.

I ended up falling asleep in my hiding corner. It wasn't the most comfortable position, or bedding, but I still managed. I woke up at sunrise when it was still dark, but peaks of pink and orange were starting to bloom to the East. A pretty morning for what would probably be one hell of a day. I could hear a few soldiers who had already woken up, chatting with each other and cooking up small meals.

I wanted to go back to the tent and grab my coat, but with my luck Roy would be passed out and conveniently wake up once I walked in. What if he remembered what happened? Should I talk to him normally? It'll be awkward to matter what. I'm sick of his drunk bullshit. Either way, I was freezing so I headed back to the tent. I kept an eye out on the walk there just in case.

The sigh that escaped my mouth was the best thing I'd ever felt. The tent was empty and I felt like I could suddenly breathe again. I sat down on the disoriented sleeping bag, still messed up from last night, and rubbed my neck. My weird sleeping position last night must have strained it a little. I gave another sigh before giving a quick check under my pillow. I froze.

Where was it? I'd left it there last night. I checked again. Maybe it would be there the second time. No such luck. I got up and flipped over the sleeping bag. Nothing. Okay, maybe I left it in my bag. Still nothing. There was no way I lost it. Not here. Not now. I needed it.

"Looking for something?"

I felt my whole body lurch. I head shot around.

"Colonel-"

He had it. For a minute I thought he'd turn this into a sick game. A _what will you give me for it_ game. But he actually just walked over and handed it to me, no questions asked. Okay. The day was already starting really weird.

"Thanks." my voice was quiet. I almost regretted running away from him last night. _Almost._ I looked back at him. He seemed reluctant to look at me. For obvious reasons. But he gave a sad smile that made me want to sink in a hole and die.

"I didn't think you carried things like that."

"It's pathetic isn't it?" I glanced down at the photo in my hand. A constant reminder to make it through the war. "I figured it would be good motivation." I was expecting him to call me a coward again, comment on how weak I was. Laugh at the fact that I kept a picture of my little brother with me.

"Is it working?"

I looked at him then back down at the picture. I used my thumb to wipe away a smudge on the top corner. Just seeing Al's smile was enough to make me nod.

It had been taken not long after he got his original body. We'd both gone back to Risembool to see Winry again. Since his legs still weren't strong enough to hold his weight, he'd used crutches for most of the time there. He was so determined to ditch the supports that he got me to help him walk and spot him while he took little baby steps again. His goal had been to reach the tree we used to spare under and after a few weeks, he'd gotten there with no help. It was Winry's idea to grab the camera and she let him keep the picture. I made sure to take it with us when we moved back to the city and made sure to pack it before I left for the war.

"You should keep better care of it."

"Or you could just stay out of my stuff." I quickly threw it back under my pillow and looked back at him. "You can leave now."

"Ed, I came here to tell you what I didn't yesterday-"

"What? Like, you're an even bigger coward than I remembered or maybe you actually came to apologize- Oh wait, that would be to nice of you wouldn't it?" I rolled my eyes as I found my coat and slipped it on. It was a lot colder than it had been a few minutes ago.

"Would you give me a freakin' break!"

"No! I won't give you a break! You should know better than to drink on duty you idiot!" I lowered my eyes to look at the floor. I could hear Roy zip up the tent door again, but the sound of his foot steps told me he was still inside.

"Fullmetal, I know you want to vent it all out right now, so I'll hear what you have to say. In exchange, you need to let me have a chance to explain myself. Deal?" He took a seat cross legged in front of me.

"What's there to explain?" he didn't answer. I took that as my cue to get a few things off my chest. If I was going to be stuck with him for god knows how long, we might as well sort it out now. I let out a sigh before starting.

"I'm just... I'm sick of the way you treat me, that's all. It's not like it was before. You'd call me names as a joke or something, but here you actually say things with the intent to hurt. I know I'm not the best soldier, hell I'm not even a good subordinate, but I just don't understand why you changed the minute we got on the field." I looked up at him, expecting him to reply, but he didn't. It felt a little weird. Him and I had never actually sat and talked together like this. Maybe he didn't know what to say.

"I know you want to say more than that, Ed."

"I do, I just want an answer. Do you treat all the other soldiers that way?"

"I was told to give you no special treatment." he continued after seeing my confused expression. "What I tried to tell you before was that I tried to convince the higher ups to leave you off the field." He sighed then spoke again. "A few days before heading out I went to the General's office who was in charge of the recruitment and I tried to convince him that you were still to young and inexperienced to get involved with the war."

I couldn't argue with him there. Soldier or not, I'm still only 19. The inexperienced part was right too. Since the first day I joined the military I hadn't received any basic training on how to fire a gun or defend against a raid. Roy had never instructed me to take anything like that since I had only joined the military for the research materials. Then again, Roy probably never expected there to be another war. Neither did I.

"He just told me that you knew the risks when you joined the state. I really don't want to get into detail about what he said, but it was enough to get me furious-"

"Was it about you?"

"It was about both of us. To sum it up he stated I was a shitty leader who didn't deserve my team and he said that if you were so inexperienced than he could care less if you were killed then raped."

I could feel my whole body freeze. Did soldiers actually do that?

"Needless to say there was a big yelling match and he ended up socking me across the face." He gave a forced grin and pointed to his eye. The unknown bruise suddenly had a reason behind it. "He told me to smarten up and that he'd better see you on the train or he'd have the pleasure of shooting you himself."

How was I even supposed to respond to that? Did the General really hate me that much? There was an awkward silence for a few seconds before I finally found my voice again.

"I'm sorry."

"Ed, you have no reason to be sorry. I was the one who never gave you any trai-"

"Not about that. I mean about what I said before. I thought you didn't care if I was recruited or not, and that you didn't even try. I guess I was wrong." I looked at him with a little smirk and he gave one back. In my gut I felt awful for the way I acted, but hell, I knew nothing.

"Apology accepted. I knew you thought that. Not only because I heard you say it, but that's just how you are." He laughed to himself quietly before speaking again. "Now go ahead and yell at me about something else."

After that last conversation I couldn't find it in myself to raise my voice against him, He just looked so depressed. I rubbed my left shoulder uneasily trying to think of a way to say my next words.

"If it's possible... I don't want you anywhere near me when you're drunk." another awkward silence. Just kill me now.

"Is this about what I said? Fullmetal, I didn't mean any of that. I was just mad and upset with myself that-"

"This isn't about what you said at all! This is about what you do every single time you stumble to me whenever you drink yourself stupid at the bars and this includes yesterday!" I couldn't believe the look he was giving me. I might as well have been speaking Italian. He never said anything after my comment, which got me even more angry. "Stop playing dumb!"

"Ed, I have no idea what you're talking about. What did I do yesterday? Hell what do I do every other time?"

There was no way.

"What do you even remember from last night?" I watched his eyes wander around the tent for answers.

"Not much actually. I do remember coming in here and the next thing I know I'm yelling at you and you're suddenly gone. Did I do something in between there?"

I was about to scream at him when the tent flaps opened and Riza stepped through.

"Colonel, I don't want to be the one to order, but we should start moving in. Based on their attack last night I don't think their base is in good shape." She looked at him then over at me, then back. She probably knew she just interrupted something. In a way it was a good thing she did. All I wanted to do was beat Mustang's sorry ass into the ground.

"You're right lieutenant." He got up from his seat and stretched as much as the tent would let him and glanced back down at me. "We'll talk later, Fullmetal."


	8. Shot

The next few days were spent staring down Roy. Did he really not realize what he had been doing every time he sought me out when he was drunk? Of course I'd never told him what he'd done. I'd gone into his office several times with lies of how clumsy I was and how I'd fallen to get all my bruises and he seemed to believe it.

Our group had set up another base closer to the target. The perimeter was clear so we set up tents and trucks just outside the town. Nothing much happened for the day or so we were there. There were no attacks from the other side and not mo much as an ambush or a single gun shot.  
>I noticed that Roy spent most of the day alone staring down at his pocket watch in a trance. Riza had gone over to him a few times but he hardly acknowledged she was there. It's times like that where Havoc needed to come in and say a humorous line to cheer him up, but I hadn't seen Havoc in a couple days, ever since that awkward night he ditched me to get a drink.<p>

It was early evening when Riza came over to me. I was fiddling with my pistol picking at dried dirt on the barrel when she sat down.

"We're going to be heading out early tomorrow morning to search the area. Those are his orders."

When she said "his" I could only assume she meant Roy.

"You mean we're actually going in the town? Are you sure it's safe to go in now?"

"I don't question orders. But it seems like the the best move. If we manage to secure the town , there's not much else they can use. Besides, the faster we infiltrate their base, the faster this will be over."

"But still, isn't it a little risky? I mean, what if they have soldiers scattered through the town waiting for us to come in? Did the Colonel even tell you his reasoning behind the attack?" I hated asking her this kind of stuff. I knew she never questioned Mustang. "Is he in his right mind at the moment?"

"I admit, he makes some lacklustre decisions at times, but the situation is a bit more complicated." She was now wearing the same expression Roy was. Almost concerned. Riza was always a strong soldier, showing almost no emotion at times where they should be apparent. I couldn't understand what situation would have made her look so afraid.

"Roy just has a lot to deal with right now."

"Like what? What else could be possibly be worried about that us normal soldiers aren't." She glanced over at Roy for a few seconds before turning back to me with a sigh.

"He broke a promise to himself. He told me before we left HQ that he wanted to refrain from using alchemy during this uprising, but that surprise attack on us a few days ago made him break that. But if he hadn't used it, our base might have been over run." She kept her voice low. I assumed she didn't want Roy to hear what she was saying.

"So then why is he so upset about it? He saved lives, that's what alchemy is supposed to be used for anyway." I tried to keep my voice as quiet as I could without having it sound to secretive. "Sure he may have wounded or killed a coupe people, but what about the entire battalion he saved ?"

"That promise meant a lot to him. I'm sure you've heard your fair share of stories of him during the Ishbalan rebellion. He doesn't want to repeat that. He never wanted to use his alchemy to take lives, but those were his orders, and he followed them."

I didn't want to bring it up, but that had most likely been the reason Roy had started drinking that night. He didn't know how to deal with his emotions so he buried himself in liquor. I knew that was the case for a lot of other soldiers I was fighting alongside.

"Now on top of that, Feury and Havoc have gone missing..."

I swear my heart had just frozen solid. I shot her a look wanting her to explain what the hell she had just said.

"What do you mean missing?"

"How else can I explain it?"

"But- I just saw them a couple days ago!" I kept my eyes glued to her. I wanted her to say she was lying, tell me that she was kidding and it was a joke. "How did they just disappear?"

"It was the same night Roy broke his promise. When our base was attacked, they brought in soldiers to take hostages. What the motive or plan behind that move is, we'll never know. But I can only guess that's why Roy is eager to search the area"

"They're alive right? They wouldn't take them and then just kill them would they? If that was the case, they would have just done that during the ambush."

"It's getting late. I should turn in." She looked away from me and headed towards one of the many tents.

"Lieutenant... they're alive, right?!"

"Don't count on it, Fullmetal." I glanced to the side. Roy hadn't looked up but I could tell he was the one responding. He was still staring at his hands clasped in front of him. "War prisoners almost never return alive."

"So you're just giving up!? What the hell kind of Commander are you?" I couldn't believe it. It's like he didn't even want to believe there was still a chance.

"I'm not giving up. I'm just not the kind to get my hopes up for nothing."

"You can't prove that they're dead!Why do you give up so easily?" I was so frustrated with what was coming out of his mouth that I never realized I'd walked right up to him. "When we find them I'm going to rub it in your face!"

"Ed, you have no idea what they're likely going through right now. The chances of them returning are slim to none."

"Forget it. I don't even know why I bother talking to you. You can go take your angst and booze and cry in a corner for all I care." I kicked my boot against the ground as I stormed away from him. I didn't need his bull shit right now.

I was woken up by Riza shaking my shoulder. I hadn't realized I'd fallen asleep. She and a couple other officers were ushering everyone out of the tents to get ready for heading out. The sun was barely starting to bloom over the horizon when everyone was set. We were all sorted into small groups and given areas to patrol and check. Our orders were to capture anyone who looked suspicious and if they resisted it was shoot to kill.

Roy obviously made it a point to have Riza with him. Anyone would feel safe with the hawk's eye on them. There was no surprise she gained the title "sharp shooter". Me on the other hand, I was stuck with people I didn't even know and had never talked to before in my life. Not sure if that was intentional or not, but it wasn't something I was comfortable with.

Out of all the groups, I was in squad D. Roy gave us the order to clear out the far East side of the city with squad F bellow us on the map and Roy and Riza (squad A) above us. The different sectors split up upon entering the town and we headed into a residential area, or at least what was left of one. The crumbling buildings couldn't even be called houses anymore. It was hard to believe that just a few days ago, these vacant houses would have been homes.

"Elric!" there was a harsh whisper to my right. "You check this row, Rick and I are gonna check the back."

I couldn't remember who the guy was, though I think he introduced himself as Chad. I could care less really. The only thing I cared about was the fact that they told me to check the houses alone. I had no idea what I was doing. I was the amateur here. But the only thing I could do was watch the two of them disappear around the corner. I sighed and drew my pistol.

The first house I checked was nothing out of the ordinary. The only furniture left was a half burnt couch up against a wall. There were a few charred pictures on the wall, but far to damaged to make out any faces. The house was only one story, so I didn't have to check many rooms. What used to be called a kitchen was an empty room with a table and a chair thrown against the wall. So I was onto the next.

The two more that followed were the same. No one was around and the rooms were either completely bare or too damaged to look like a room. The smells were enough to make me gag, it was like a mixture of mold, dust and burnt toast. I moved onto the next house. Other one story with shattered windows and broken doors.

I could hear Rick and Chad outside complaining about something as they checked the back of the houses. Sure, they would give themselves the easy job. Might as well put a rookie on the hard stuff.

I stiffened slightly at a shuffling noise in the next room. I couldn't be sure if it was a sound outside or if I was actually alone with someone. I crept into the kitchen keeping my pistol raised at eye level, luckily that room was clear. Nothing more than a couple lose cabinets creaking back and forth. I stepped out of the kitchen and moved on to what I thought should be a bedroom.

I stepped in and shifted, noticing a figure to my right. Turning to face it, I froze. Something was wrong. I was supposed to find an adult, right? The enemy was supposed to be some kind of monster. But it was a kid. And what more, he had a hunting rifle resting between his hands. As soon as our eyes met, I was starting down the barrel of his gun. I brought up my own gun but something wasn't right. My mind was telling me to shoot, but my finger wouldn't move.

The moment seemed to stand still until a flash of pain ran through my body along with ringing in my ears. I instantly dropped my pistol, bringing my hands to my stomach while my legs buckled. I could faintly hear the sound of the boy's gun dropping to the ground as he ran from the room.

The only thing I could hear was the sound of my own breathing and the thudding of my heart in my ears. I wanted to scream. The shot hurt like hell, but I couldn't bring myself to speak. I could already taste copper. I opened my mouth but all that came out was blood. I could hear a couple more gun shot before I could pick up someone yelling my name.

"Elric! Shit! Rick, get help!"

All I could do was stare at the floor. I was on my knees clutching my stomach as blood pooled around me. I watched it drip from my mouth to the back of my hand as I tried to support myself. I felt someone's hand on my back, which only made my arms start shaking.

"Ed, you can hear me, right?!" Chad was yelling at me, which didn't make my situation any easier. "Say something!"

I wish this moron knew that it was impossible to say anything when your throat's clogged with blood

"Just keep pressure on it." he placed his hand over top of my own clutching at the wound. My whole body shivered. I could feel the blood oozing in between my fingers as my heart kept forcing it out. It was taking all of my strength just to keep my eyes open. I closed my eyes as I bit back the sobs in my throat, soon white specks overcame my vision.

"Fullmetal!"

Shit. No. Not here, not now.

"Ed, look at me." I could see his crouched form in front of me. "Look at me!"

I slowly looked up, I didn't want him here. Anyone but him. My first raid and I'd already failed.

He ran his thumb bellow my lips, wiping off the blood falling down my chin. And for once in his life he'd actually looked scared.

"We need to get you out of here. I need you to keep pressure on the wound and don't you dare close your eyes."

I could feel my eyes watering out of pain, but I nodded none the less. I felt my body shift as he positioned his hands around my trembling body in an attempt to pick me up. What felt like a surge of electricity rushed through my stomach and I let out a screech. I could tell he didn't care what condition I was in, he was picking me up whether I liked it or not.

I managed to chock back another scream as he picked me up from the floor. His one arm was under my legs while the other was supporting my back. A rush of fresh air hit me as he made it outside.  
>"-Ant-ou-contin-earch-"<p>

"Ed-on't-eyes-Ed...Ed!"

My name was the last thing I heard.


	9. Wounds

**Back with another chapter! I've been trying to write more every week but trying to find time is hard. Thank you everyone for your reviews and support Love you all!**

**This Chapter is a little different. It's in Roy's Point of View. I've figured out that I'm going to put a few other POVs in there, but you'll have to wait to find out who muhaha! But Ed is still going to be the main narrator. I'll try to get another chapter up soon!**

Ed woke up a few hours after the operation. I was encouraged several times during to leave the tent, but after a few minutes the makeshift doctors gave up. I admit there were a few times I wanted to throw up, but I had to hand it to Ed for pulling through. With no decent medical equipment around, the operation was a bloody mess.

He'd gone into shock shortly after I picked him up. I couldn't blame him for that. It wasn't his fault it happened. I hadn't had the chance to unload my anger on the other soldiers in his squad, but I'd make sure there was time for that later.

The patch work on the gun shot was pretty shabby. But the doctors were fortunate enough to remove the bullet before it caused any internal damage and managed to sew it up before the kid bled to death. The whole room smelt of iron and alcohol and it was making me sick to my stomach. I was told he would have a painful recovery period along with the fact that he was extremely lucky to be alive. If the bullet had punctured anything vital he would have been a goner.

I could just barely see his golden orbs as he woke up. I could tell it was taking him quite a bit of effort to do so. I'm sure I wasn't the first one he wanted to see when he woke up, but it was better than nothing. I watched his right hand graze along his bare chest to the rough bandage work around his belly where the blood had already stained.

"I've gotta admit, you're one tough kid." After I spoke, I think he figured out I was in the room.

"I've had worse." His voice was raspy and quiet, which was so big shock. "I've experienced auto-mail surgery after all."

Compared to what he just went through, I didn't even want to imagine what the auto-mail operation was like. But it wasn't hard to tell that he was still in extreme amounts of pain. It was times like this that I'd realize he's still just a kid.

"I don't want to be the one to scold, but you have to be more careful." I looked up at him as he shifted to get up, propping himself up on his elbows. "Do you know how easily you could have been killed? You're lucky to even be alive."

"I don't want to hear it, okay. I already know you're mad at me for being stupid." He rested his head back against the pillow and starred at the ceiling. The only sound that passed between us was the ruffling of the tent flaps and Ed's stuttered breathing.

"I don't blame you for what happened. You shouldn't have been sent in there alone-"

"That had nothing to do with it. It was my own stupidity."

"I'm afraid I don't follow." No one had told me any of the details of who or how or anything important. "What happened?"

He was silent for a few minutes. I watched him place his forearm over his eyes before he spoke.

"I couldn't do it." I waited for him to explain what he meant. "I couldn't pull the trigger." he quickly bit his bottom lip after finishing his sentence. "I should have been able to. I even saw the gun in his hand."

"Then why didn't you? Seems like you knew your life was threatened."

"I always pictured the enemy as bloodthirsty, vicious people, but that wasn't it at all." he was quiet a minute. "It was a kid. A little boy."

My heart almost lurched into my throat.

"I just couldn't- he was so young- he couldn't have been older than Al."

What the hell was I supposed to say? Here was Ed, still just a kid himself, being put in a position to kill another child. All I could do was watched his chest hitch with stammered breathing.

"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have been put in that situation-"

"You don't have to be sorry." he kept his eyes shielded as he spoke. "I'm a soldier after all. I'm supposed to be prepared for these kinds of things."

"Ed..."

"I'm just a pathetic soldier."

"I never expected you to kill children. No soldier should have to face that."

"But- that's my job. I'm a human weapon-"

"Your job is to protect your country, not take innocent lives." Did he not understand that he shouldn't feel bad about it?

"But that's what I don't understand. We are taking innocent lives. All these people, what have they ever done?"

"Ed, we're here because they retaliated against an accidental shooting. They could have chosen to back down but they didn't and that was their decision, so in a way they brought it upon themselves. There's no reason you should be punishing yourself over this."

"What about the people who were dragged into it for no reason- like that little boy-"

"And it was that little boy's decision to pick up that gun and fight. No one else was with him, right? No one to tell him what he should do? Then he did that on his own."

"Well, yeah, but-"

"Then don't worry about it." I could tell by the way his voice was shaking that he was holding back.

"What if that happens again?... What if next time the kid's defenseless?... What if-"

"Ed! Calm down, you-" I stopped mid-sentence. I could tell something was off by the way he talked. His arm was still shielding his eyes, but it couldn't hide the tears falling from them. I could tell he was trying his hardest to hide it. Of all people I doubted he wanted me to see him break down.

"Colonel-"

I remained silent, listening his silent crying for a few seconds before he spoke again.

"I know this sounds selfish, but- could I leave the battle field since I'm injured."

"Ed... you know I can't do that." My gut almost ripped in two as I told him. "We're down several soldiers as it is and there's no way to get you back. All the trucks we have here are to be used for our attacks and we can't lose one, of the few we have, just because one soldier is injured." As much as I wanted to let him leave, there was no way he could.

I was caught off guard when a loud sob escaped his mouth. And even more concerned when more tears flowed from his eyes followed by more sobbing that he wasn't even trying to conceal anymore.

"I-I wanna go home."

Of all the people in the world. I least expected those words to come from Ed's mouth. For all the 6 years I've know him, I'd only ever seen him to cry twice, and that was when he was12. Now here he was 18 crying harder than I'd ever seen and begging to go home. I'd seen this happen to several other first time recruits, but for some reason, this was different. My heart broke for the kid. All he really wanted was to be with his little brother, but being forced out here there was a chance he'd never see him again. On top of that he was faced with the possibility of killing more children.

"I know you do." I sighed lightly placing my hand on his arm. "None of us want to be here. But Ed, believe me when I say this- if there was a way for you leave, I'd let you go in a heartbeat."

"I can't do this. I can't."

"I know this is hard for you. Even I had to go through what you are right now and I know it's not easy."

"Shut up!"

I jerked my hand back when he threw his arm from his eyes to swat me away. His golden eyes were blood shot and brimmed with new tears.

"You have no idea what it's like!" he took a short shaky breath before another outburst. "You're used to these things!"

"I'm not used to anything. It still pains me to take a life, but those are the orders and I'll obey them until I reach my goal." He didn't seem satisfied with the answer. I lowered my voice and scooted a chair beside his cot, taking a seat.

"Ed, listen to me." It hurt to say it, but it was something I felt Ed needed to hear. "During the Ishballan rebellion when the Fuhrer ordered all of the State Alchemists onto the field, I was ordered to eliminate any Ishaballans that were left in the area after the ambush. I figured there wouldn't be anyone around, so I never gave it a second thought, but like you, I was stopped cold by a child. He might have been a year younger than you, left scared and alone in what was left of his house. All I saw when I looked in his eyes was pain and fear and he was shaking. I know what it's like, Ed. I know what it's like to be in that situation. The only difference is that when the kid raised his gun, I didn't hesitate."

"You-you killed him?"

"Yes." I looked into his eyes for a short moment down to the tracks the tears had stained along his face. "Ed, I don't blame you for hesitating. You shouldn't feel guilty or upset for not pulling the trigger. I know what it's like to be on the other end of the spectrum and if I could go back, I would change my decision. I'm glad you chose to do what you did."

"Why did you?"

"Why did I what?"

"...Kill him."

"To tell you the truth, it was instinct more than anything, just a natural reaction. I wanted to stay alive. I'd just told myself that it would be another casualty, like all the others. But to be honest, that moment has haunted me to this day. So don't think for a minute that what you did was wrong."

All he did was look away, down at the sheets spread across his legs. I didn't know if that story had made him uncomfortable or if he was trying to figure out what to say. Telling him these kinds of things was a little out of character.

"Why are you trying to help me?"

The question came as a slight shock.

"Why wouldn't I? I know what you're going through, and at your young age it's hard to-"

"I don't need your help!" His eyes burned into mine with hatred. Wasn't the reaction I was expecting. He balled up the covers in his fist, his arms shaking, either from the cold or frustration.

"Stop trying to make me think you actually give a shit about me."

"What?"

"Why do you even care what happens to me? You get some kind of promotion if you help? Another star on your jacket?"

"Why the hell would you think that? I'm helping you because I want to." It was a little frustrating trying to talk sense into the kid. He was one hundred percent closed minded.

"Why? Why do you want to? You've never given a damn any other time so why is this any different?"

"As much as you don't believe me, it's true that I care about you, Ed. You're just to stubborn to see that. You never want anyone to help you, that's just how you are. But at this point I thought you needed a little help."

"Stop lying to me!" he starred at me for a moment expecting me to reply. What the hell was I supposed to say?

"You don't care! And you never have!" he took a short breath and calmed his raspy voice. "If you actually did give a damn , then you wouldn't come to my apartment every other night to beat the shit out of me!"

I had no clue what he was talking about. My mouth was frozen with a lose of words. I could see tears brimming in his eyes, but I could tell he was holding them back. He had just broken down a minute ago and he wasn't about to let it happen again.

"Ed, what are you talking about? I can't even remember the last time I was at your apartment. Probably a few months ago."

"Last week."

"What?" Maybe it was the medication talking. "Ed, the last time I was there was to drop off your coat that you left in my office." what scared me was his response. He didn't have one. All he did was stare at me with a hurt look in his eyes. Deep in my gut something told me he wasn't lying.

He brought up his right arm, cradling it against his bandaged chest.

"Do you remember what I told you this mark was from?" I glanced down at the dark bruise on his arm wrapping all the way around just bellow his wrist.

"Yeah, you said you slipped and Al grabbed you."

"...I lied."

"What do you mean? Why would you lie about that?"He took a short breath. All I could do was listen.

"It was late and you came stumbling drunk to the apartment. You grabbed me and forced me against a wall-"

"Wait- you're saying- I did that?"

He closed his eyes and nodded. How could I not remember something like that?

"Why did you never tell me? How long have I been doing that?" I felt bad for the kid, but in the other end of my mind, I was pissed.

"I-I don't know... I while. Do you not remember it?" He looked back at me keeping his arm in a protective hold.

"No I don't remember it! Why the didn't you tell me?" He never answered the question. I had an idea of why he never said anything before. He was scared. I sighed to calm myself down before speaking.

"Ed, you have to understand that I'm not myself when I drink. I would never intentionally hurt you, I just get over emotional. If you had told me sooner I would have done something to stop, but I never knew."

"How is this my fault? You're the one with the drinking problem."

"I never knew it was that bad." I felt like shit. I had known for a while that I tended to over indulged when it came to alcohol but I had never sought out any help. "I know this might be hard, but can you tell me what else I've done to you?" or maybe I didn't want to know. If I had been completely blackout drunk, the possibilities were endless.

"It's all the same. You just yell at me, hit me and shove me around a bit." he sighed "Nothing I'm not used to."

My eyes searched his body. There were so many marks that I had always assumed were from his journeys, but now I was having second thoughts. I leaned over raking my hands through my hair. I could feel Ed watching me curiously.

"That night in the tent, I hurt you... didn't I?" his lack of response was all I needed. "Shit. I'm sorry Fullmetal."

"This is weird. You've never apologized to me before in your life."

"You don't understand. I could have really hurt you... more than I have." I could tell he was waiting for en explanation. The kid was a sucker for details. "A lot of things have happened in my life that I'd rather forget and have haunted me since childhood. If any of those things had crossed my mind while I was drunk I could have ended up killing you."

"What was the reason you started drinking?" Damn he asks to many questions.

"A lot of things. My past mainly. I've done a few things I'm not proud of and have been a victim too. That's all I can really say."

"Are you talking about Ishbal?"

"Mainly, yes." There were other things too like the murder of my parents and the life I had as a foster child, but he didn't need to know about those. "Ed, can you just promise that if I hurt you again you'll actually tell me?"

He nodded to himself wiping his dried tear tracks with the back of his hand. I smiled slightly. Ed and I have never had time to ourselves to just talk. As much as both of us hated opening up, this was what we needed.

"I promise. Just as long as you promise not to be a bastard." he gave me a smirk as he leaned back onto the pillow.

"I can try. No guarantees." I smirked back watching his eyes flutter shut. The silence that passed between us was calming. I waited until his breathing was steady and asleep before stepping out of the tent. I could only hope he'd been through the worst of the war.


	10. Limits

**This is definitely the shortest chapter, I'm sorry! I'm working on the next though :) I appreciate all the reviews you guys have given! Someone pointed out that I put Ed as 19 in one chapter and 18 in another. Ed is 18! I kinda messed up D:**

**I love writing Ed and Roy scenes :D they're awesome. Ed has a very vulgar mouth in this one so I apologize in advance X_X I'll try to get the next one up soon! **

It had almost been a week since my little incident and I still felt like a complete moron. How the hell did I let myself breakdown in front of the Colonel out of all people? I had only seen him twice since that day. He was probably to busy ordering everyone around. Apparently they hadn't made up much ground on the enemy. He had come in those couple of times to complain about how everyone was acting stupid. I hadn't contributed much.

The sad excuse for a doctor told me I could be back on the field tomorrow, even though my stomach still hurt like hell. As lousy a doctor as he was, I still owed him my life.

My thoughts were interrupted when Roy came into the tent. It wasn't that big a surprise, I figured he'd come in eventually. There was a long silence that passed between us as he pulled up the chair from the corner. He glanced over me for a second and scanned the book I was holding.

"Since when do you read anything about medicine?" he scrunched up his faced in disbelief.

"I don't. I just needed something to do." I had found it on the table beside my cot. With not much medical experience, the soldiers in charge of the wounded would need some sort of assistance. "I've been cooped up in this tent for six days straight. I needed to read something or I would have lost my sanity."

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me."

All I did was glare at him.

"I heard you're going back on duty soon."

Wow. News travels fast here.

"So? You just came here to rub it in my face?" I spat tossing the book back onto the table. He sighed and pressed his fingers to his temples.

"Why is it that you always think I come in here to pick on you?"

"Hasn't stopped you any other time."

"I just wanted to see if you were up to it. If you want I could let you rest another day, since I am the commanding officer here. I wouldn't blame you."

"I appreciate it, but I don't think I need another day." It was almost uncomfortable how much Roy had been worried since I'd been shot. He would always ask me if I needed help with anything and if I was feeling okay. It was nice at first but then it just got annoying.

He sighed again reaching into his pant pocket pulling out what looked like a folded piece of paper.

"Another soldier found this while cleaning out the tent. I figured you might want it."

I glanced down at his hand. I could see faint colour of blond through the crease of the paper. Blond hair to be specific. I knew what it was. I took it cautiously.

"Thanks." I looked down, slowly tucking the picture into my pocket.

"You miss him, don't you?" my eyes flashed up to his. He was looking at me with the most pathetic expression. Almost depressing.

"What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I miss him." Every night since we arrived here I've been thinking of the way I'd abandoned him without an explanation. Was does he think about when he's alone in the apartment everyday? He probably hates my guts.

"You can write to him you know."

"I know..." The look on his face practically told me what he was about to say. "I just don't want to make him worry. He doesn't need to know about any of this."

"Maybe not, but the letters would at least tell him you're still alive." I could tell Roy didn't understand what I was thinking. I don't think he ever fully understood my brain.

"True, but I don't want him to get his hopes up. The war's still far from over." I leaned back, propping myself up against the pillows, cringing slightly when a twinge of pain was sent up my side.

"What the hell are you saying? Do you actually believe you're gonna die?"

"Gimme a break. It's not like I'm planning for it to happen. I should be dead anyways, that kid just had a lucky shot." I saw his eyes fall to my wound. I had been told several times that the fact I was alive was nothing short of a miracle. And I'm sure Roy had been told the exact same.

"And you don't even seem phased by it."

"I've had way to many brushes with death to be phased. God hates me so he'll probably keep me here to live in my own personal hell." I was expecting him to say something about me being an atheist, but he let it slide. "I have no control over what happens , and lets be honest, we both know there's a strong chance I won't live." I knew he was thinking it, he just never said anything.

"What?" All he did was stare. What did I say that was so wrong?

"Admit it. Ever since I was recruited you thought I was gonna be killed. And I'm sure you're still thinking it."

"This isn't about what I'm thinking. This is about what's going on in your own head. There's no way you should be killed if you stay with the rest of the soldiers."

Way to avoid the question.

"I'm not saying I'm going to seek out death. I'll fight and do whatever I have to to stay alive." Hopefully nothing to drastic. "I'm sure that's crossed your mind before too, thinking you're not going to make it. It's just a rational thought."

"It's crossed my mind more than I few times, true, but that doesn't mean you should constantly think about it. Just think about afterward and how much better it'll be."

I didn't really have a response for that. How the hell am I supposed to think about puppies and rainbows when I'm in the mists of slaughtering people?

"Is that what you normally think about?"

"Mostly. I just think of the life I would be leaving behind and that makes me fight harder. I'm sure that's what keeps everyone going."

His previous sentence make my pause for a moment. Besides his goal of becoming Fuhrer how much of a life would Roy really leave behind if he died? I'm pretty sure the only friends he has are the officers under his command. I wouldn't qualify myself as one of those friends but we do have a love/ hate relationship. I'd never heard of him having any sort of personal life besides sleeping around with a different woman each week.

I froze slightly when he leaned forward flicking my pocket with his finger.

"I'm sure Al is what's keeping you going, am I right?"

Obviously.

"Don't you have any siblings?"

The look he gave me was utter shock. Made everything a little uncomfortable.

"Why would you want to know that?"

"I'm just curious. You never mentioned you were an only child or anything." The thought of there being another Mustang in this world was a little weird. One was plenty.

"And my personal life is none of your business." He shot me a glare through squinted eyes.

"And neither is mine, yet you seem to know everything about it!" Why is it always one sided like this? Maybe I should just go rummaging through his files and see what I find. It made me a little uneasy that Roy probably knew more about me than Al did.

"I'm your superior officer and besides, I'm supposed to know things about my subordinates."

"Apparently every fucking detail." I hated the fact that he knew my biggest secret too. He could just blackmail me whenever he felt like it. I now have a sudden urge to slug him.

"Stop acting so childish, Fullmetal. Stop getting upset when you don't have all the answers."

I can't believe this guy!

"Well maybe if there was a little bit of equivalency here! I don't see why I need to tell you everything and then you won't give me squat!"

"I intend to keep my personal history to myself, Fullmetal. So get over it." he leaned nonchalantly back into the chair. Smug bastard.

"There's probably a good reason for that isn't there? Your family really that fucked up?" I watched his mouth twitch slightly. If there was one thing I was good at it was getting under his skin.

"What?"

"I understand then. I wouldn't want anyone knowing my mother was a streetwalker either. She got knocked up by some random guy didn't she? Is that your life story in a nutshell?" I amused myself with that statement. I laughed slightly through clenched teeth.

"Excuse me?"

"Drab probably didn't want you anymore and dumped you in a gutter, right? That would explain why you're so messed up-"

"Ed-"

Why couldn't I stop? This was just to amusing.

"Oh wait, let me guess... you have a sister who does the same thing? That would explain why you're such a player, you probably learned a thing or two. She probably has a pimp, right?"

"Ed, shut up-"

"I'm right aren't I? She fuck for money too?-"

The next thing I felt was a flash of pain to my jaw as I folded onto my side. My cheek was stinging and I tasted copper in my mouth. I glanced over my shoulder, almost afraid to make eye contact.

"I said shut up!"

He was standing now. His hand balled into a fist held in front of his chest. I wiped my chin, feeling my own crimson fluid stain the back of my hand. He wasn't drunk again, was he?

I wanted to say something. Yell at him. Fight back. Knock him onto the ground and beat his ass. But I didn't. I couldn't. I just lay there paralyzed. I could feel my body shaking. I couldn't tell if it was out of fear or from shock. But I shouldn't be shocked, right? The look in his eyes told me I should drop dead.

"Can't you just shut your fucking mouth for once in you life?"

This wasn't right. Not what I wanted at all. He was just supposed to prove me wrong.

"I- I just-"

"Forget it. I don't even know why I talk to you."

That was the last thing he said before he stormed out of the tent.


	11. Answers

**I have not given up on this story! I just haven't had a lot of time to write. Between working almost everyday, family stuff and applying for college, I have almost no time to myself anymore. But Ill continue to jot town some of the chapters here and there when I can. Thank you all for being patient and giving my all the lovely reviews ^_^ Love you all! Enjoy 3**

I almost felt guilty for storming out on Ed like that. Almost. He had some nerve spitting that kind of language at me. I could have thrown a few insults his way about his own family but that would have ended in a fist fight. The only reason I felt at fault for the whole thing was the fact I'd punched him harder than I'd hit anyone. He was just a kid after all. But staying within a meter radius of him for any second longer, I might have done a lot worse.

I passed a few other soldiers on the way to.. where ever I was going. They glanced at me with puzzled expressions. Probably wondering why I looked like I was about to spontaneously combust. I just needed air.

We had moved slightly farther into the city and had pushed the enemy back enough to pull out of the trenches and set up another base up front. We left the wounded to the trenches while the rest pitched tents on higher ground. I passed a couple more groups of soldiers. If this hadn't been a war, it would have looked like a friendly camping trip; with tents and everyone huddled around a fire for warmth.

I couldn't tell what time it was, but it was already dark. It was weird to see stars. I'd always lived cities my whole life so it was odd not to have the sky molded together as one dark blanket. I sat down on a large rock, or mound of dirt, -whatever it was, and just stared. It contrasted all to well with current life. I sighed, watching as my frosted breath stretched out into the sky. It was so quiet. Nice for a change.

The city ahead of me matched the darkness. It looked like it had been abandoned, but that was far from the truth. As large as the city is, there would no doubt be hundreds of hide outs and camps. We just had to find out where. I reached down and grabbed a hand full of sand watching it thread through my fingers. It had been a while since I'd played in the sand, ever since that day...

"Colonel..."

I didn't turn around. There was no mistake whose voice that was.

"What do you what, Fullmetal?" I tried to hide the fact I was still fuming.

There was a silence. I could hear foot steps and the next thing I knew, the kid was sitting cross-legged beside me.

I swear if he says anything slightly insulting I'm gonna sock him in the jaw. Again.

He leaned back placing his palms on the sand to support himself. Did he really have a reason to be here?

"Are you sure you should be up?" I still hadn't looked at him. My gaze was still locked on the sky, so I couldn't tell if he was looking at me or not.

"What, I'm supposed to have a curfew now?"

"That's not what I meant." God, the kid just needs to think before he talks. "You shouldn't be up in your condition."

"I'm going back on duty tomorrow anyway. Might as well get used to it."

Silence.

Now I wish I was combusting. It would end this painfully awkward scene.

"It was meant to be a joke you know..."

"What was?"

"What I said."

Was he being serious? He had just made up the most vulgar story and he now claimed he was joking? I should punch him right now just for being stupid. How could anyone take that to be a joke? In reverse that would be like saying to Ed his mother was a whore and his little brother is a waste of air. Ed was just lucky he had said that to me and not some other officer or else they would have put a bullet in his head.

"I guess you just took it the wrong way."

"Ya think?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you upset."

This was just getting even more uncomfortable. I'd never heard Ed apologize before in his life, especially to me of all people. Then again, I'd barely seen him cry before either. But I guess war changes people. I could hear the rustling of fabric, but he never got up. I sneaked down a glance and saw him fiddling uneasily with the fabric tucked around his boots.

"You're a bright kid, Ed, but sometimes you say some really stupid shit."

I was expecting him to have a snide remark to that comment but to my surprise his eyes just dropped. Was he trying to make me feel sorry for him? He deserved a good lecture.

"I said I was sorry, okay?"

"No, it's not okay. You basically told me my family was a bunch of fucked up hookers." Just being reminded of that conversation made me hate the kid.

"I was just saying that to make you tell me the truth, I said it as a joke!"

"That's your idea of a joke!?" I need to calm down. Yelling wouldn't solve anything. This kid feeds off of yelling. "If I said the same thing about your brother would you have taken _that_ as a joke?"

He didn't respond. That told me his answer.

"Use your brain the next time you say something." Something told me that statement wouldn't stick with him.

"I just wanted to know the truth." he rubbed his shoulder slightly and looked up at me. I hadn't even realized I wasn't staring at the stars anymore.

"I gave you my answer and you still decided to prod at me. You saying all that shit didn't change my mind in the slightest." I looked away from his golden eyes, although they appeared brown in the darkness. They made me feel like my gut was being twisted.

"Can you just answer my one question from before?"

"Which is?"

"Do you have any siblings?"

I really didn't see why that mattered. But Ed had always ended at nothing to get small details and this was no exception. Maybe if I gave him that he would actually shut up.

"No. I don't." I paused for a minute. "But if you want to count the kids I was with in the foster home, you could say I have two." There was really no information given there. Practically everyone in the military knew I had come from a foster home. If Ed hadn't figured it out that would be a shocker.

"Do you know where they are?"

"You said one question."

"Common, Colonel! Why can't I know that much?" If looks could kill there would be about sixty daggers in my face.

"And what exactly will you gain from knowing this?

"Why does anything have to be gained? Can't I just know for the sake of knowing?" he paused for a second. Maybe he was actually thinking before he started spewing out word vomit. "What do you gain from knowing so much about me?"

He was thinking to hard.

"I just want to know who you are." He just stared blankly ahead before continuing. "I've been working with you for four years and all I know is that you're 29-" 30 actually. "- and you're a freakin drunk."

Well that information was even more than he should know. No one in the military knew anything about me and besides all blood and death I'd been covered with, there was a good reason for that.

"No one else knows anything, so why should you know more?"

"Stop toying with me!"

"I need to be honest with you for a second-"

"That'd be a nice change."

I shot him a glare. Why is he always such a prick?

"I don't want any kind of information about me getting to the wrong ears. Especially in situations like this." I didn't want to completely freak him out, so I was giving him the cropped version. "Anything I say can be used against me you know."

"So you're keeping it secret for business reasons." Ed sighed as if disappointed with my reasoning.

"Basically, yeah." I was almost thrilled that my response didn't lead to him yelling more questions at me. He seemed to be calming down a little

"What about all the stuff you know about me?"

"Everything I know about anyone is also locked away for business reasons. If I'm ever questioned about my subordinates, under certain circumstances, knowing the truth about them makes it that much easier to lie to avoid problems."

Ed glanced back down at his boots. Maybe he was finally understanding. I'm sure there were thousands of more questions he wanted answers to, but I'm sure he figured he wouldn't get them.

"Why couldn't you have just told me this before?" He almost sounded hurt. "Instead of avoiding everything I said."

"'Cause now I'm finally see how desperate you are for answers." I gave him a little smirk in attempts to lighten the mood a little. "I've never had someone forcefully demand stuff about my personal life."

"I just wanted a little equivalency."

His voice tapered off, almost sounding confused as he finished his sentence. I glanced down at him, watching him squint at something near the city.

"You should head back inside, we'll be moving out early tomorrow."

He didn't seem to hear me. Not even phased by my voice/

"Ed?"

He shot up faster than I expected, making a quick sprint towards the city.

"Ed! What the hell are you doing?" I shuffled to my feet, still in a daze, confused with his actions.

"There's someone out there!" he yelled over his shoulder.

Was he stupid? This is how you get yourself killed. I opened my mouth the yell at the brat and made a step to go after him, before I felt a hand grab my shoulder. It was one of the other officers. Probably new, since I didn't recognize him. Everyone in this squad needs damn name tags.

"Sir, Lieutenant Hawkeye is looking for you." he said monotonously, his brown eyes watching me carefully.

I looked over my shoulder back at Ed who was still dashing forward as fast as his hobbling body would carry him. The soldier seemed to notice, making a move forward.

"I'll bring him back, sir. Just go speak to Hawkeye."

I nodded to him watching him jog forward towards the teen. At least that was taken care of. Worse comes to worse, there are other soldiers within yelling range.

I made my way back past the rows of tents back into the trenches. Took me a good five minutes to finally find Hawkeye. Who has been coerced into playing a round of poker with some of the new recruits. I waved her over, earning a loud moan from the hardcore card players. I waited for her to speak, which ended in a silence.

"yes, sir?" he questioned, probably wondering why I wasn't giving her orders.

"You... wanted to see me?" I gave her a questioning look. "Surely its not to play with not amateurs."

"Not to be rude or anything, sir. But I don't remember saying I wanted to see you. Not that its a bad thing, but... why would you say that? "

"One of the newbies said you wanted to see me for something."

"I never said that."

Shit. Not good.

I darted back out of the trenches, grabbing a flashlight and a gun as I ran back through the tents, earning even more glances from camping soldiers. I ran back out to the clearing near the city, grazing my finger along the switch, turning the flashlight on, sending a beam towards the buildings. Nothing. I took a few more steps, lighting up a few dumpsters along one of the walls, flashing the beam down a small ally way. Still nothing.

"Ed!" I called down the buildings, listening to my voice echo back to me.

I pointed the flashlight down at my feet, noticing the pairs of boot prints still in the sand. I tried to picture what happened with what was given to me. Once my eyes caught sight of the blood stains on the wall, leading to what looked like a madly disarranged amount of sand , my heart almost stopped.

Ed was gone.


	12. Name

**Yaay I actually got a chapter up fast! I've been trying to figure out how to write the next few chapters, but I think I've made a decision xD This chapter has some swearing and graphic stuff, so just a heads up. The next chapter is in progress! Enjoy!**

I can't say how long its been. Not so much I can't say as, I have absolutely no idea. The back of my head is still throbbing where it was smashed against a wall. The bullet wound in my side continues to sting as the skin has been ripped open again. All I can do is sit alone in this little caged room, waiting for someone to show up, to explain to me whats going on.

I don't remember a whole lot about how I got here. One minute I was running after someone in the ruined city, and the next, I'm being attacked by one of our own soldiers. Something wasn't adding up. I new something was wrong when he shoved me against the wall, grabbing my hair. I remember putting up a decent fight, but there was only so much I could do against someone double my height and weight. I landed a few good hits before I heard my head crack against the wall, inevitably causing me to black out.

I have no idea how long I've been passed out for, but it seems like a long time. I gave a small groan trying to support my weight as I got to my knees. I could hear small muffled voices not to far away, wishing desperately I could hear what they were saying.

I crawled to the barred opening of my small room, glancing down the narrow hall. The building almost looked like a prison. Not that I've seen many prisons, but it reminded me of an old jail I saw in a movie. Several cell like rooms all adjacent to each other stretching down a long hall. I could see a few more people occupying cells further down. I wanted to ask them about everything, yell at them, anything to get answers.

My mouth was frozen as I heard a large metal door screech open and close with a bang before there were footsteps. I shuffled back to the far wall of my room, my eyes locked on the room's entrance. I could hear the voices clearly now, speaking some foreign language, occasionally cursing English slurs as they passed the cells. And just my luck, they stopped in front of mine.

There were three of them. Three tall soldiers, glaring at me like I was some disgusting parasite. Two of them stood on either side of what looked to be the main man in charge, some gruffy guy in his late thirties. He whispered something to one of them, causing them to unlock the cage as they all stepped inside.

"'Bout time you got up." he spat. It was easy to hear the accent in his voice, which I'm sure everyone around here had.

I gave no answer. I'm sure if I asked these guys anything they would have no interest in talking, so I kept my mouth shut. All I did was watch them. I could barely see their faces, their eyes clouded in shadows.

One of the man's sidekicks loomed forward, grabbing my hair trying to haul me to my feet. I gave a quick yelp as I stood, clawing at the giant hands forcing me to stand.

"What the fuck do you want?!"

They didn't answer. It was expected. The main guy just nodded as the other two dragged me out of the cell, ripping and pulling at my arms, clothes, hair, whatever they could get their grimy hands on. My fighting lasted the whole time they were dragging me, but they didn't seem the least bit phased by it.

I glanced up, seeing a smaller door at the end of the hall. My heart sank. This wasn't happening, just another nightmare, just some stupid hallucination maybe. I had to wake up, I had to run. The hands, the smells, noises, everything was fake. It had to be.

I could hear their voices cursing as I struggled. I didn't even want to know what they were saying, I just wanted out. I was hauled into the room, the smell of copper attacking my nose. I could feel the bile in my throat and steel around my wrists as my arms were suspended from a ceiling beam.

My feet were barely touching the floor and I could already feel my arms start to go numb, but I continued to fight, continued to kick, curse, scream, anything. I stopped when there was a flash of pain to my jaw, tasting the blood coming from my now split lip.

"You're goin' to be a good boy now." One of them sneered, gripping my chin in his hand.

"Fuck you." I snarled, letting the blood coat my lips. I paused. I could finally see his face. "You..."

He smirked, giving me a few slaps on the cheek before slowly backing up beside his partner. The main guy was busy over at a table on the far side of the room. But I didn't give a shit about that now.

"You were never on our side were you?" I spat, giving him the most venomous glare I could.

"When did you figure that out?"

I could tell he was taunting me. His voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"You son of a bitch!"

"Chill there, kid. Was it my fault your side couldn't pick out an enemy soldier?" he gave another smirk. "Just wear an Amestiran uniform, and your military is none the wiser."

"If that worked out so well for you, then why not-"

There was another flash of pain to my head, my sentence cut short.

"We're not here to answer your questions you little shit." The gruffy man spat, grabbing my hair again, forcing me to look at him. "You're our little bitch now." he let my head fall as he walked back to the other soldiers, pacing.

"Lets start with something simple."

I looked up at him. He wandered back over to his table, hovering his hand over top as if trying to make a decision. I let my eyes fall back to the floor. I didn't want to see.

"Let's start with a name."

I could hear his footsteps approaching again. He placed something under my chin, pulling my face up to look at him.

"Your name."

It wasn't a question. This man wanted answers and he wasn't the kind to wait. These were the people we're fighting, these people were the enemy. Even the simplest of details would be used against us. I can't tell them anything. Nothing. Not even my name. I glanced down at the weapon in his hand.. I could feel a sob lodged in my throat, but I wouldn't let it pass. I couldn't give these people anything, no answers, no information, and I sure as hell wasn't going to give them my vulnerability.

"Your name." he spat again, a little louder. He paced in front of me and I could tell he was getting impatient.

Don't tell. Don't say. Don't even talk. Give them nothing.

"Your name!" he yelled, backhanding me hard.

I closed my eyes. Focus on something else.

"Your name!"

I could hear him rip my clothing, my uniform being tattered from my chest as the weapon dug into my body, dragging along my skin. I bit my lip hard, drawing more blood, trying to keep from screaming, to prevent myself from saying anything. I could already feel the blood running down my chest, soaking through the remains of my uniform. He hadn't hit me more than once and my body was already aching. My suspended arms going numb and my wrists bleeding from the restraints.

"Name!"

He took another swing at me, the weapon breaking my skin again. I could feel it leaving bruised, if not, bloody marks over my chest. This wasn't right. This shouldn't be happening just 'cause he wants my name. The pain stopped for a brief moment. I could feel him pull the tattered material from my chest.

"I see you've been hit." it sounded like a joke, some sick joke until I realized what he was talking about.

I hadn't realized I'd screamed. The pain was clouding my memory, clouding what I had told myself. A painful burning shot up my side as he dug the weapon into my shattered bullet wound, the blood pouring onto the floor as he twisted. He wasn't stopping. I could feel the bile rise in my throat. I could hear him yelling over me.

"Your name!"

It was just a name. I could tell him. Just this one thing. Maybe it would stop. My body was aching, my brain on the verge of a blackout. Maybe if I told him. Just this one thing, he would stop.

"E-Ed!"

I could feel the weapon being pulled out. The blood still dripping off the end, dripping into the pool beside my feet. I could feel the hands on my chin again, forcing my eyes into his.

"What was that again?"

"Ed-Edward. M-My name..."

He gave me a sick smirk, letting my chin fall back against my chest. My whole body was crying in pain, an intense throbbing radiating through my muscles.

"Take him back to his cell." he huffed, picking up a rag, wiping the fresh blood from his morning star and placing it back on the table.

I could almost feel my body sigh in relief when my wrists were taken from the shackles, despite being badly bruised. I was dragged back to my room where a I stayed huddled on the floor, trying to stop my body from shaking. I heard the soldiers leave the hall entirely, so I allowed myself to sob quietly, keeping a hand to my mouth.

"Ed?"

"L-leave me alone"

"Ed! That you?" the voice was a low whisper. But I knew it.

"H-Havoc?"

I used what strength my body had to shift to the entrance of my room, gripping the bars for support. I saw him. A few cells away. He looked even worse than me. His eyes were sunken in, blood covered his face and all he had left were a pare of boxer shorts.

"Holly shit it's good to see you man." I leaned my face on the bars, letting the metal cool off my bruises.

"I'd say the same... If it weren't for the circumstances."

His voice sounded so broken. He'd been missing since the attack for a little more than a week now, but he sounded so defeated. He wasn't the old Havoc that was for sure.

"You look like hell." he says flatly. I could tell it was supposed to be a friendly joke, but he didn't deliver it so well. But I gave him the satisfaction of a light chuckle.

"What did they ask you?"

His voice was suddenly serious again. I could tell he was struggling to stay awake, the bags under his eyes told me he hadn't been asleep for a long time. Then again, who would be able to sleep peacefully in here.

"Just my name. They seemed really fuckin' desperate to get it." I sighed, placing a hand over my bullet wound, trying to ease the bleeding.

"Yeah, did that for me too." then he glared at me. "Did you tell them?"

"I-I tried not to, but-"

"You fuckin' told them?!" he smashed his hand on the bars now glaring daggers at me. "Please don't tell me you gave them your real name."

I looked back at the floor. I knew if he could, Havoc would be throttling me right about now.

"Ed?-"

"I did okay!" I could feel the tears in my eyes. First for letting Havoc down and second for being so stupid. Why hadn't I lied? I could have easily come up with a name, given them an alias. Why hadn't I fucking lied?!  
>Havoc turned his shoulder to me, leaning back against the wall. I could hear his frustrated and disappointed sigh.<p>

"I-I'm sorry Havoc. I wasn't thinking-"

"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to." he paused for a minute, trying to figure out what he meant.

"You just screwed yourself over."


	13. Found

**Yeee next one! This ones a little short, but the next chapter is almost done! Again, thank you for all you're amazing reviews 3 They keep me writing and give me motivation to keep going and make the chapters better and better, so I must thank you all again! Enjoy!**

It's been about a week now since Ed's gone missing. And just over two since Havoc and Fuery were taken. It seemed like my team was getting smaller and smaller and there were no sign of any of them. The day Ed disappeared, I'd gone back to the area in broad daylight, to find nothing more than I did the night before. It was just a dead end.

I'd screamed until my voice was hoarse, smashing my fist into the wall, earning myself a few bruised knuckles. I was failing my team. Failing everyone. I'd caused more of our soldiers to be killed because of my stupidity, and lack of concentration. My mind was so focused on getting my subordinates back, that I'd made some stupid mistakes, leading to more bodies than there should be.

I knew Hawkeye could tell I was falling apart. I'd gone back to drinking every night and besides giving orders, I stayed alone for most of the down time. She had tried to talk to me a few times, but left shortly after she realized I was to drunk to respond properly.

We'd managed to move deeper into the city, taking out most of the hide out and camp areas. We had a few captives, which I interrogated, but left me knowing no more than I had. They'd told me where a few other hide out points were, but nothing more than that. Each time we searched a new area it was always the same. More dead ends.

My mind is slowly filling with doubt. There's no way in hell all members of my team are alive. I knew how it worked, I'd been on the other end a few times. I knew the basics of what would happen, how bad it would get. I really wanted to believe they would all pull through , but my experiences are telling me otherwise.

The only up side of this whole thing was that every passing day seemed to have less and less attacks. Several areas of the city were coming out and surrendering. There was always the odd person or two, but their side seemed to be giving up. Which meant most of the soldiers could start heading home. If I wanted to, I could have left a few days ago, leaving the next highest officer in charge, but I wasn't leaving until I found my team. Dead or not, I'm bringing them home.

"Colonel-"

I turned around, seeing Hawkeye looking at me with a sympathetic look on her face.

"We found another hide out on the west end of the city. Should I rally a team together?"

"Sure." I replied. My voice sounded so flat. Like I didn't even care anymore. I watched her nod, heading back over to a small squad cleaning out their guns.

I took a second group, and headed further into the heart of the city. All eyes were pealed for anything suspicious, be it a crippled building or an overturned waggon, nothing was overlooked.

I glanced up head, spotting an older man with a gun slung over his shoulder. I immediately drew my own.

"Hey!" I hollered at him, startling him and causing him to run. I shot a finger at two officers. "You two, head him off on the left!"

With that, we were off on a sprint. It had been a while since I'd run like my life depended on it. He clearly knew the city quite well, ducking into long ally ways and taking short cuts through ruined houses. I had to keep an eye out for any traps, just encase he was leading us through these places on purpose.

He headed into what looked like an old factory or prison of some kind. I paused for a moment, waiting for the rest of the squad to catch up. The building had three floors and two exits. I ordered two officers to guard the back and two up front. Then two would follow me in.

Despite the building being dark, it was quite easy to see. There were a couple broken windows lighting small areas of the halls. It was uneasily quiet. Despite our own footsteps, there were no sounds anywhere except a light dripping of a leaking pipe. I kept my gun raised, taking one step at a time. There were to many rooms, to many opportunities, and to many places to hide.

The two soldiers followed closely behind, scanning over every broken chair and flipped table. For once I was glad not to be alone. Even if they were rookies, it was nice to have back up.

All three floors seemed to be clear. No sign of anyone, not even the runaway man. Our small group headed back down the stairs to the first floor, hoping that maybe the recruits guarding the back would have a captured soldier. We reached the bottom, as I headed towards the door, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I almost shot the guy, until I realized it was the rookie trying to gain my attention.

"What?!" I spat.

"I think there's a basement." he replied quietly, pointing a thumb over his shoulder. I followed his lead to a rusted door examining it before pulling it open with a loud screech. If no one knew we were here, they sure did now.

All of us were startled by and man sitting on the top step. His eyes shot up at us instantly, terror filling his body as he fumbled for his gun. I quickly grabbed him, slamming him against the floor keeping my knee between his shoulders and keeping his arms pinned behind his back. I looked back down at him. Sure he was a soldier, but not the one we had been chasing. I kicked his gun away and quickly handcuffed him to the floor, using a vent.

There were other people here, there had to be. I ordered the two soldiers to follow, leaving the enemy to babble on about nothing. The stairs lead to another door, which lead to a long hallway. I immediately felt like vomiting. It smelled like rotting flesh and sweat. I brought my sleeve to my nose blocking what I could of the stench. All there was in the hall were a bunch of cells, at least twenty. Most of them were littered with bodies. The fourth one I passed had a man glaring up at me and I almost screamed.

I quickly knelt down in front of the cell as he watch me. I glanced over him. His left arm was broken and blood was pooling around his body. The remains of the blue uniform gave it away. He was Amestrian.

"Private! Go get help!" I shot a look at the rookie soldier staring at the bodies in disgust. He gave no hesitation to the order and immediately ran back up the stairs.

"Hey, you're alright. We're gonna get you out of here." I kept my voice soft. I could tell he recognized me. He nodded slowly, resting his head against the bars.

"Colonel, the back room is clear. There's a few more corpses back there, but the only living people here are in the cells." the second solder knelt beside me handing me a set of keys, which I could only assume were for the cells.

"Thanks, Corporal." I sighed as I stood, unlocking the fourth cell. "Look after him the best you can. We'll move them out as soon as the back up gets here."

He nodded before I turned around, heading back down the hall. There were a few other beaten soldiers, who seemed to be holding on alright. I couldn't do very much for them until help got here. I glanced from left to right into each cell. There were several bodies that were unidentifiable, which would make the job that much harder when the time came. I could only assume some- if not all, were my subordinates.

I glanced to my right and my heart stopped. My hands were shaking as I reached for the keys, fumbling to unlock the cell door. I pushed it open, letting the steel's screech echo through the hallway.

"Ed?" my voice hitched slightly as I knelt down beside the small sobbing form. His body was so broken it was hard to tell it was him, but the gold hair was what gave him away, what little gold was showing through the blood.

"G-go away... please... please."

I could tell he was trying to speak through muffled sobs, his whole body shaking from either cold or fear. I brought a hand to my mouth as I scanned his form. This innocent, untouchable child had been so close to mutilated it was terrifying. I wanted to let him know he was alright, pull him close, hug him, but touching any inch of his body would cause an immense amount of pain.

"Ed, I'm here. I'm gonna take you home."

I watch him finally turn his head to look at me, his golden hair crusted to his cheeks. I almost gasped when I saw his eyes, or what was left of them. One had been completely burned shut, by what, I'm not sure, but the skin was crusted and red all the way across his eyelid. The golden colour from his other eye had now been bleached into a foggy brown.

"C-Colonel-"

"Yeah, Ed. I'm here."

I was thinking he would be relieved that I was there, but it only seemed to make him more upset. His whole body was racked with sobs and tears clouded his eyes as he buried them into his arms.

"I-I'm s-sorry... I didn't mean- I didn't tell them anything- I-I promised- I didn't tell them."

"Shhh. You're fine now. We're going to get you out of here." I whispered. Just looking at him shattered my heart over and over again just watching him try so hard not to break down. I wanted to ask him so much, get answers for everything, but I knew now wasn't the time. However, I still needed to know one thing.

"Ed, hey, look at me."

He slowly turned his head, blood soaked hair matted in his face, but he was at least doing what I said.

"Havoc and Fuery, are they here with you? Have you seen them?"

He froze. I just needed something, a nod, a sound, anything. He slammed his yes shut, tears now flowing freely, cleaning tracks of dirt from his face, his whole body shaking again.

"I-I didn't mean to-"

His voice was so quiet and hoarse as he spoke, his sentences chopped off by broken sobs. He brought his hands to his eyes, trying desperately to wipe away the tears. The only thing he succeeded in doing was smearing more blood across his face.

"You didn't mean to what, Ed?"

"I- I didn't s-say anything- I-I promised."

That was the first thing he said when I'd found him and it still wasn't making any sense. All I needed was a yes or no.

"I-I'm s-so sorry."

"Ed, are they here? Do you know?"

Another sob racked his body, but he still gave a small nod, which was better than nothing.

"Good, I'm going to go look for them, alright? Someone is going to be here very soon to help you. I need you to hang on for me until then, can you do that?"

He didn't answer, but I didn't have time. If my soldiers were still here, I needed to find them. I went to get up and felt a hand grab my leg. I looked back down at Ed, who was still crying, his eyes looking even more dead than before.

"Please- d-don't be mad-I-I'm sorry."

He was still confusing the hell out of me. My eyes trailed over to his hand, a rough burn mark had formed around his wrist and deep stab wounds littered his forearm, broken knuckles and several more marks that had no explanation yet.

"Ed, I'm not mad. I just need you to stay here for a minute."

He curled his hand back to his body, still holding back sobs as he let me leave. I could here him apologizing over and over again as I continued down the hall. I could already here the back up I'd ordered stomping down the stairs. The sooner we all got cleared out of here, the better.

I spotted the small door at the end of the hall. Deciding that would be my first stop. I'd seen all the cells and there were no signs of my subordinates. I could only assume there was another place.

I swung open the heavy steel door to be greeted by the foul stench of rotting flesh and blood, copper to be more exact. Fumbling my hand against the wall, I flicked a tiny switch, finally giving me a view of the room. Light bounced off the dull gleam of weapons sitting on a wooden table, half of them I'd never seen before. My stomach turned. My mind already knew Ed had seen all of them, and maybe even more.

I glanced to the right and my heart stopped. Ed hadn't been lying when he said they were still here. Fuery was sprawled on the ground covered in dirt and Havoc, bound to a chair, blood dripping on the ground. This was never how I wanted to find them. Not like this.

Dead.


	14. Together

If there was one thing I didn't want to do, it was return to Eastern HQ. Not only was I going to have to bury some of my soldiers, but also some of my close friends. All I could do was stare at the door of my office. It had been a while since I'd been in there. Fells like forever. The last thing I remember was giving Ed his uniform and gun then leaving. Which seemed like a long time ago now.

The door handle was cold and I pushed it open revealing the room I've been working in my whole live. Doing paper work never looked so good. I didn't bother turning the light on, or opening the curtains. I simply sat down at my desk, placing my eyes in my palms. My head was throbbing.

"Sir?"

I instantly knew who was calling me. I glanced up, spotting Hawkeye in the doorway, her silhouette outlined from the hall lighting. She had a few documents in her hands from what I could tell, probably those goddamn funeral arrangements. She'd come back to HQ along with and a few other soldiers. The fighting wasn't nearly as bad, so she decided to accompany me.

"I didn't expect you back here already. I thought you were-"

"I just needed to think."

I could hear her footsteps enter the room and stop short in front of my desk.

"You could probably take some time off, sir. I'm sure everyone would understand."

I looked up at her. Even in the dark room I could tell she didn't look to good. Her eyes were dark with the lack of sleep and her hair was down instead of up in her usual style. She wasn't having an easy time either. After all, she helped carry out Havoc's body.

"I think all of us could use a break, Lieutenant."

There was a long silence as she and I both searched for something to say.

"I thought you were at the hospital."

"I was." I sighed and she waited for me to continue. "I couldn't take it, the kid was just so fucking broken."

Of course she already knew I was taking about Ed. She'd seen the shape he was in when we found him. We'd managed to get him out of the basement and back to the Eastern hospital as fast as we could. Anywhere we made contact with him, and any way he moved his body would just result in him screaming and crying, begging us to stop. The poor kid had no idea we were trying to help him.

The whole scene continued even when we got him to the hospital. I tried my best to help, to calm him down, to tell him he was safe, but nothing reached him. He was to scared, surrounded by people he didn't know. In his terrified state of mind, he probably had no idea they were doctors. He'd given a few attempts at fighting, and manged to land a few good punches on them. That's when he turned to me, tears streaming down his face, begging for me to save him. I couldn't take it. So I left.

Looking back is was the most selfish and cowardly thing I'd ever done. The poor kid was lost and I left him there, in the hands of people who were terrifying him. What kinda of fucking Colonel am I? I was mentally kicking myself for being such a pathetic ass hole.

We still had no idea who was responsible for all my dead soldiers and tortured minds. No idea what had happened to Ed during that long week. Edward was one of the few people who did have the answers I needed, but in his state, there was no guarantee he would say anything and I wasn't about to force him.

"_I'm sorry, I didn't say anything, I promised, don't be mad." _I had no idea what he meant, but he had kept repeating those works constantly to me. I really need to know what he was taking about.

"Have you spoken to Alphonse at all?"

Fuck.

"No, not yet. I have no idea what to say to him."

"Well for starters, how about telling him that his brother is home." she sounded mad at me.

God only knows what's running through that kid's mind. I had no idea what had gone on between them the day Edward left. I only remembered Ed avoiding his little brother, not so much as a goodbye. Ed had refused to write to him on the battlefield. Which meant Al had no idea his brother was even alive, no contact with him for weeks. He would have no idea Ed was back.

"Besides, I'm sure both of them are dying to see each other. It's not fair to Al-"

"I know." I sighed, running my hands through my hair. "Do you really think either of them are ready yet?"

She gave me a blank look.

"Ed is in no position to see anyone in his state of mind and Al would probably break down if he saw him. Mainly, I don't know if Ed's ready yet."

"You don't know that, sir."

"No, I don't. But it's a pretty good guess."

"You have to tell him eventually, Colonel. The sooner you do, the sooner you'll put his mind as ease."

"Fine, I'll tell him tomorrow."

She nodded slowly, turning back towards the door. She seemed satisfied with my answer.

I left the office shorty after Hawkeye and made my way back to the hospital. Maybe it was guilt eating at me that drove me there, or maybe it was my genuine concern for the petrified teen. After Alphonse, I was the only one Ed had to really call a family. I'm sure he's never thought of us as anything more than colleagues, but when he's in real trouble, I've always been the one he turns to, as much as he hates it. The least I could do is be there for him now.

Having status was always nice. No one asks anything, just say who you are, flash some ID and they let you pass. Saves being asked a million questions. A young nurse showed me to the right room instantly and left without a word. I'd been informed by a doctor that Ed had been sedated and may not be awake, but that didn't matter. Apparently they'd patched him up the best they could, but he still needed surgery later on. I didn't get many details, I would hear enough of it later.

I closed the door, glancing back to the bed where the blond teen flinched. That answered my question of whether he was awake or not. He was fighting to keep his eye open, no doubt afraid of what would happen if he closed them. His other eye had been bandaged, no doubt because of the massive burn.

"C-Colonel-"

"Hey, it's alright." I kept my voice quiet. I grabbed a cheap plastic chair from the wall, placing it beside the bed. I had no clue if he was pissed about me leaving him, or if he even remembered. "How are you feeling?"

His eyes kept flickering open and closed, fighting to sedatives.

"You're not-mad at me- a-are you?" his hands were shaking again, his voice breaking with every word.

"Why would I be mad at you?"

He didn't answer, he just bit his lip, and balled the blankets into his quivering fists.

"It's alright, you don't have to explain anything right now." I placed my hand on the bed next to his. I needed to test how comfortable he was, which wasn't very. He instantly cowered away from it.

"I just want you to get some rest, okay?" his eye was bloodshot and dark bags had already formed. He clearly hadn't slept at all for the past few days. At my request he violently shook his head, tears forming in his foggy eye.

"Can't-I can't sleep." he pulled the blanket around his stomach. "They-'re gonna hurt-I don't want-"

"Ed, these people here are only trying to help you. I promise, I won't let anyone hurt you." I jumped slightly when he grabbed my arm, holding it in a death grip.

"R-Roy, I need you to-please-"

"Shh, calm down. What do you need?"

"Al-he's safe? Y-you-I-need to know."

"He's fine, Ed-"

"You-c-can't be sure."

He was still fighting the urge to sleep, and now his speech was barely making any sense. He was gripping my shirt like his life depended on it. What concerned me more was the fact he was worrying about his brother despite what he himself was going through. I knew Al meant a lot to him, but was now really the time?

"I need you- want you to see. P-please-make sure." his eyes were giving in. His lack of sleep mixed with painkillers and morphine were surely taking over.

"I'll go talk to him, make sure he's fine. Will that make you feel better?"

He nodded slowly, easing his grip on my arm.

"I w-want to s-see him. Can you-"

"I'll get him here when I can, okay?"

He nodded again before giving in, letting his eyes drift shut, single tears tracking down his cheeks. I sighed before getting up. It seemed I was going to see Alphonse sooner than I expected.

It was a short drive to the Elric's apartment, I almost considered walking if it weren't for the dark clouds rolling in. I'd only been there a few times, but according to Ed, I'd been there more than I thought. It's hard to remember anything when you're drunk.

I took my time walking up the stairs. Would Alphonse even want to see me? Would he hate me for recruiting Ed at the worse possible time? Or maybe he'd be pissed at me for not coming sooner. Before I knew it, I was standing at their door. I stared at the metal numbers in front of me and hesitated. I was hoping desperately that Al would be out, or maybe decided to take a trip back to their hometown.

God, I'm pretty pathetic. I'm afraid of facing a seventeen year old boy.

I gave a couple light knocks on the door. Maybe I should have dressed differently, maybe I should just leave a note, or hope Al finds out some other way.

I glanced back at the door when I heard a click, revealing a small crack where the teen's deep gold eyes appeared. I could see them widen when he realized who I was, opening the door all the way.

He still looked the same. I hadn't seen the kid in a few months, but nothing seemed to have changed. His blond hair was a little longer, but he was still a scrawny teen.

"Colonel?" he looked me up and down. I definitely caught him off guard. "Why are you here? Does this mean, everyone's back?" his eyes were so hopeful it hurt.

"Al, I need you to come with me."

"Me? Where?"

"It's Ed-"

At the mention of his brother, his hands instantly shot up to his mouth, his eyes widening.

"Ed? He's here?" he glanced behind me, disappointed no one else was there. "Oh god, you're not here because-"

"No, Al, he's alive. He's in the hospital and he's just worried about you."

I could tell he had a million questions for me, and there would be plenty of time for that, but not now. For all I knew, Ed could be awake again, freaking out over nothing. The best thing to do right now was to get the brothers together.

"I need you to come with me."

he nodded instantly, grabbing his coat and slipping on an old pare of boots.

"You have some serious explaining to do. You and Ed need to tell me what the hell happened." Al shot. I could tell he was mad at me. Probably for the same reasons Ed had been pissed at me before. As for Ed, I had no idea what he was going to say.

Once we reached the street, Alphonse scrambled into the passenger side, slamming the door and staring out the window. We both said nothing as I started the car, a light muffle of the engine filling the silence.

"Why didn't he say anything?" his voice was to quite I almost missed it. "He just left. He was just gone. The only reason I found him was because I overheard our neighbors talking about a war."

"I can't answer for him, Al. You'll just have to ask him. Before you do, I need you to understand that he's not in very good shape. He just really needs to see you right now." I tapped the steering wheel lightly, an old habit I resort to when I'm nervous. "I'm sure he won't be in a very talkative mood.

Just by the way he looked at me, I could tell he wanted answers. He had a mixture of hate and concern in his eyes. Luckily the drive was short so I didn't have to drowned in silence, with Alphonse giving me a death glare. It was scary how much he looked like his brother when he was pissed off.

We were back in the hospital in a couple of minutes, flashing more ID and proceeding through the halls, Alphonse followed close behind. It was clear neither of us liked hospitals. I stumbled slightly as a couple nurses rushed past me right into-

Shit.

I could already hear screaming in the room. There was a noise of something breaking and someone barking orders. I rushed to the doorway wondering what the hell was going on.

It was clear Ed was having an episode. It wasn't uncommon for soldiers. I'd seen it many times. He'd returned to his screaming, begging and crying as several nurses tried to hold him still as the doctor readied a sedative. The nurses were yelling over him, trying to keep him still. I was frozen, almost shocked. Frozen because of the fact this was Ed. Edward wasn't supposed to act like this.

"Mr. Elric, we're just trying to help! Please, calm down!"

"Let go! Leave me alone!" he was trying to pull his arms away from the nurse's grip. As weak as he is, there was no way he'd be able to do anything. His eyes followed up to the doctor, prepping the needle.

"No! I'm sorry! I'll talk, I'll talk!"

"Mr. Elric, this is going to help you relax." another nurse said loudly.

His body was shaking violently, his limbs still fighting. There was only so much he could do.

"Leave him alone!"

I glanced over at Al, who was now rushing into the room. A nurse quickly stood in front of him.

"You need to leave. We can handle this."

"Then leave him alone! He's fucking terrified of you, can't you see that!"

"I need you to leave." she shot. She was having none of Al's bullshit and he wasn't taking any of her's. There was no winning.

"A-Al!" I could hear Edward's broken voice over the bickering and I finally came to my senses. I took a quick step forward.

"Let him go." I kept my voice low. It was clear they knew who I was. They instantly back away at the order, looking up at the doctor in charge who had also lowed the needle and took a step back.

"With all due respect, Colonel, we need to do our job."

"And this boy needs to do his." I spat, watching Al step closer to the bed.

"Al! Al-y-you're okay-" he was sobbing now, a small smile on his face from the sight of his brother. He was struggling to sit up, using his bandaged hands to tear at the blankets, trying to free his legs.

Alphonse had his hands to his mouth, tears forming in his eyes at his brother's mangled body. Taking in the amount of bandages, scars and bruises on his skin. All of the anger he had felt towards him moments earlier was gone. He slowly sat on the bed next to him, now letting the tears from his eyes.

"Al? W-what's wrong?" I watched as Ed brought his battered hand to his little brother's face, wiping away the tears with a bruised thumb. "Are you okay?"

Before I could blink, Alphonse had buried his face into his brother's shoulder, arms wrapped around his neck.

"Y-you idiot..." Al's words were muffled as he cried onto his brother's neck, his shoulders shaking as he spoke, cursed, rambled. He was upset, happy and worried at the same time everything he said came out as rambling cries.

I could hear Ed sigh as he wrapped an arm around his little brother, running a hand through his short blond hair, letting his eyes sail shut again, whispering apologies and promises into his brother's ear.

It wasn't to long after that the nurses and doctor shrunk out of the room. I followed, leaving the brother's to their privacy, closing the door quietly behind me.

For the first time in a while, Ed was safe.

**Phew... Sorry if I jumped around in this chapter. I wanted to have three individual ones, but ended up combining them and cutting out a lot of unnecessary stuff. There are still a lot of loose ends that I need to fix together. Everything shall be explained! I just hope I don't forget anything!**

**Thank you all for reading, it really means a lot :) hugs to all! Next chapter is in progress and just needs to be majorly edited, so stay tuned for that :D**


	15. Nightmare

He was here, safe. It had to be real. His smell, the softness of his short hair. Please tell me this is real.

My body was shaking. I gave up on trying to make it stop. Even through my swollen skin, I could feel him. He was still crying. He'd barely calmed down since he came into the room. I'd apologized to him repeatedly. I'd never wanted to abandon him. The whole time I was gone, I could only imagine what he'd been thinking.

He looked up at me, his golden eyes shinning from the tears. There were millions of questions written all over his face. Some of them I would rather avoid and others I never wanted to answer. He scanned my face, searching for anything to give him information. I saw his gaze rest on the patch over my eye. I could feel it throbbing. I was terrified just thinking of what it looked like.

"Why did you leave, Ed?"

I knew that question was coming. I predicted that would be one of the first. He lifted himself from my shoulder, staring hard at me, tears still stained his face.

"You just left. You didn't even say goodbye." I could hear his voice breaking, but he was fighting it. "What if you'd died? What if something happened, and I never saw you again?"

"I-I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? That's all you can say!"

Why was he yelling? Al never yelled.

"Do you have any idea what I went through while you were gone? You never so much as sent me one goddamn letter! Is that to much to ask!"

I felt myself flinch away. Would he attack me? Was he that mad?

"Was it that hard for you to let me know what was going on? Was it too hard to let your only family know you were leaving?"

I watched his hands ball into fists. Is he going to hit me? Al wouldn't do that, would he?

"Do you hate me or something? Did you want me to think you'd died?"

I couldn't answer him. My whole body was frozen. I kept my eyes locked on his fists, occasionally glancing up to see the anger burning in his eyes. He was upset and he had good reasons, but I was terrified. My silence only seemed to make him more frustrated.

"Answer me!"

He slammed his fist against the bed, causing my heart to lurch into my throat. I quickly pulled my body away from him, shuffling up against the headboard. He was mad, maybe he would hit me. He wanted answers, maybe he would. He would claw at me, rip at my hair, break my arms maybe. I don't want that. Not again. Not now.

He watched me pull my arms close to my chest. He seemed confused. Maybe he didn't want to beat up someone so pathetic. Whatever he does, I hope it doesn't hurt.

"Ed? Are you okay?"

His voice softened slightly. He inched towards me across the bed.

I could feel my lungs fighting for air, my body curling closer into itself. My head was throbbing, my chest was still in immense pain. I could feel my heart slamming against my shattered ribcage.

I can't deal with this. Not now. I don't want anymore. Make it stop.

"I sorry-I'm sorry-" I could feel tears streaming from my eyes. I hadn't even realized I'd started crying. I hated it.

"Ed, what's wrong?" the voice sounded genuinely concerned. I watched his hand come closer to mine. My hand was already broken, what did he want to do with it? Snap it off? No, I can't take anymore.

"D-don't! Please, don't."

"Brother, it's just me." his voice was breaking again. "I swear I'm not going to hurt you."

What the hell am I thinking? This is Al, the sweetest younger brother I could ever ask for. Why was I afraid of him? He would never hurt me, why am I convinced he will? I don't get it. This doesn't make any sense. He's worried about me, but he's so angry. Why is it so hard to breathe?

"A-Al-h-help-"

There's no air. Why is there no air? Al looks fine, why is it just me? I don't want to die.

"I- c-can't- b-breathe-"

Please don't call the nurse, please don't.

"Brother, it's alright."

I keep my gaze fixed on him as he scoots closer. I can feel his soft skin on my hand, gently gliding back and forth. His eyes are locked with mine now. Even through my foggy vision, I can see him crying again.

"Please, just breathe with me, okay?"

I nod slowly. I'm holding my breath, afraid to let it go. I watch my little brother's chest rise and fall in a slow, constant breathing motion. I need to mimic it. I need to calm down. Of all people, Al isn't the one I should be afraid of. He's here to help. My constant rock, the drive behind everything I do. I release my breath, still feeling his hand against mine, pushing me to keep going.

I can feel him easing my body back into a sitting position, releasing the strain against my chest. Air is now coming more freely. My eyes are still locked on his soft features. He looks so much like our mother its almost scary. I feel his hand against my arm now, maybe it's for comfort, or maybe he's just looking. I know how bad a shape I'm in.

He smiles at me through his tears, noticing I've calmed down significantly. I truly don't give him enough credit. I now remember why I've sacrificed so much for him, given everything I have just to protect him. He doesn't deserve me. Why didn't I tell him? Why had I let my whole world fall apart while I disappear? I left him in the dark, why?

I gently pulled him back into my arms, burying my face in his shirt golden hair. He smelled like home. No one else could make me feel this happy. I needed him. He can help me.

"I'm sorry, Al" I truly couldn't say that enough. "I-I never should have left you like that. I was too scared to tell you."

He was silent. Maybe he's still mad, or maybe he's just listening.

"I didn't want you to worry about me. I-I just didn't want you to concern yourself with everything." I gave a light sigh, running my bandaged hand back through his hair.

"I realize I was stupid. I should have told you everything. P-please don't hate me. I'm sorry."

I pulled him closer. I didn't want him to leave, even if he hated me, even if he never wanted to see me again. I felt his arms cloak around my neck. He was mumbling again. I could barely hear him.

"I don't hate you, brother. I was afraid. I-I'm just glad you're okay."

I let my eyes fall shut. I was still exhausted and all I wanted to do was sleep. Knowing Alphonse was here would make it much easier. As long as he was here, he was safe. That's all I needed to know.

It was dark now. I couldn't see anything. I couldn't tell if anyone was around. I could hear a dripping sound far off in the distance. Was I alone? I couldn't hear any voices. My arms were stiff as I tried to move them. I could hear a clanging noise near my wrists. I glanced up, spotting metal chains keeping my hands bound to the wall. I could tell from the coolness on my feet that I was sitting on concrete.

I wasn't supposed to be here. I was safe. I was back with Al, and Roy, everyone I knew.

I could now pick up the sound of voices. There was screaming, yelling, low voices barking and high pitched squeals. I couldn't hear the dripping anymore. There were footsteps. Several of them. There was a light now, just above my head. A simple light bulb with a pull string. I could see silhouettes now.

They stood in front of me. They were the ones yelling. I couldn't understand them. For some reason I knew they wanted something, asking me all these things I couldn't decipher. I could see an bloodied machete in a shadow's hand, the bright liquid flowing off the blade.

I wanted to scream. My mouth was frozen. Even if I wanted to answer them, I couldn't. They were still cursing at me, I could understand some English threats amongst their foreign tongue. They wanted to kill me. Slaughter me like some helpless animal.

One of the silhouettes approached. They were nothing but shadows, no features on their darkened faces. He was speaking as he unhooked me from the wall, slamming me onto the ground. I was pinned, a sharp pain in my chest. I could feel my leg start to convulse. I could feel the blade being sawed through my bones, cutting through my thigh.

I screamed.

I could hear someone yelling my name.

My eyes shot up to the ceiling, where I saw Havoc. His dead eyes were haunting me. There was a single gunshot wound through his head, the blood dripping onto my face. His lips were moving, whispering words I couldn't hear. His limbs had been ripped off, coating the ceiling in blood.

I couldn't feel my legs anymore. I could see a darkened figure holding them, sneering at me as they hacked at my arms.

I looked back at Havoc, who's body was trying to peel itself off the roof. His neck was snapped to the side, his eyes now completely black. He snaked down the wall, leaning over me, observing the figures mutilating my body. I could smell his breath.

"I told you not to tell."

He didn't sound like himself. His voice was raspy. Now that he was close I could see he was missing all his teeth, blood oozing from his gums.

"I didn't say anything."

I watched his eyes roam my body, a sick grin on his face as he watched blood pool around me.

"I never said anything! I promised!"

"I didn't deserve to die like this, Ed."

"I know, Havoc, I'm sorry."

His black eyes turned to another figure that walked out from the shadows. He was carrying a rope. He left bloody footprints as he walked towards us.

Feury.

My mouth was frozen again. Feury's arms snapped forward, rapping the jagged rope around my neck, pulling it into a tight knot. I wanted to claw at it, loosen its tight grip around my throat. I watched Havoc grab one end of the rope and slink back up to the ceiling, leaving a dark red smear as he went. Feury watched me. He said nothing.

I could feel my body being lifted from the ground, the air through my throat being cut off. I gasped hard, now having my body fully suspended in the air. I couldn't breathe.

"We should have never died, Ed. Do you want to know what it feels like to die?"

"H-Havoc, Feury, I'm sorry"

Both of them watched. I could feel my whole body going numb.

"Al! Roy! Someone please!" I was screaming as loud as I could. There had to be people here. Maybe there were people looking for me. I didn't want to die, not here.

Someone was screaming my name again. I could feel hands all over my body. There were now tears running down my face. Was anyone here? Firm hands were on my shoulders. This needed to stop.

I woke up.

**It's been a while since I've written in Ed's POV. It was a lot harder than I thought.**

**Yay for brotherly scenes : D those are always my fav. **

**Thank you everyone for reading and all the awesome reviews :3 **


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